Moving Day

I've moved!
Please update your google readers and blog rolls and visit me at http://www.sarahkoller.com.
See you there!

Find Out Friday

In case you were wondering...

1. I have absolutely no problem with grass-fed meat or wild-caught fish. However, I have no desire to pay the price that comes with those things. I'd rather spend my money on Ladies' Brunch or cookies for "my kids." Perhaps I will become "that yoga girl who is usually a veggie, but sometimes eats the meats mentioned above"? No matter. I'm not too concerned with labels.

2. I have loved writing ever since I knew how. My dad taught me to write between the ages of 5 and 6. He taught me math with word problems because I loved the written word so much. In first grade, my fabulous teacher, Mrs. George said I should publish (meaning "turn in my story to be printed and then bound with wallpaper-covered cereal boxes.") Usually, everyone got published at once. But not this time. This time, I was special. So between my dad and one of my favorite teachers ever, I was hooked on writing.

3. You can win me over with very good chocolate.

4. You can also win me over by (sincerely!) offering to cook a meal with me.

5. I would really like to be able to do a handstand in the middle of a room (that is, with no support). I'm thinking if I keep practicing yoga, I'll be able to in a couple of years.

6. Hearing myself tell my story to my pal, Cindy, last night, led me to a particular conclusion: I may rather stay home during the day, typing up articles and recipes, and doing yoga during my breaks. I might rather follow up my dream day with lots of produce, a cutting board, yummy smells, and guests for dinner. But where I am right now is part of my story. And it is a good part.

7. In relation to the above fact, I'm fascinated with the following verse lately: "Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?" Matthew 16:24-26

Veggies Get Serious

I am a vegetarian.

Phew. There, I said it.

If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you might know that I have done experiments with vegetarianism in the past. Experiments that were meant to last 30 days lasted 2 weeks. I determined that I was just not the kind of girl who was going to cut anything out and call it a full life. I had cut too many foods, calories, and joys out of my life in my past, and I was not about to commit to doing it again.


When my sister came home from her last semester of college, she decided to try veganism. Her courage to try something different and difficult, in the face of family dinners and meals at Olive Garden nudged me.

I really wanted to cut meat out of my life. By this time, it had been awhile. I had read many times that it takes several pounds of grain to create one pound of meat. Meanwhile, too many people are going hungry. Those thoughts tug at my heart. Because my love language, if I had to pick one, is food. That's how I love people. I want to fill everyone up with good food and good company. I want to see them smile and laugh and sit around a table telling stories and discussing life.



I just didn't think I could give up meat. I thought my body needed it. I thought I would end up even more tired than I already was.

But Katie's choices encouraged me to get back on the vegetarian horse. So, on December 26, I did. And so far? It has been a really great ride.

Up until now, I haven't made my choice public. Mostly, I have mentioned it as it has come up (such as when I have been invited to dinner). I have chosen not to discuss it a whole lot because I am not trying to recruit people to adopt my conviction. After a lot of trial and error, I have come to strongly believe that in addition to being created uniquely, every person has been given a heart that beats louder and faster for different reasons. Everyone has the capacity to care about a lot of things, but no one can carry that interest far enough to do something about everything. But in each heart, there are convictions. A different set. (And they may change.) It is those convictions that must be acted upon, because it is the actions taken based upon what the heart is truly convicted of that make our stories great.

Most of us (maybe all of us) have heard the questions, "Where was God when..." "Where is God?" I think it is fine, and even great, to ask tough questions. Those questions aren't too difficult for God, and he knows our hearts already. But when we ask those questions, we also must ask if we've acted upon our convictions. (And I realize I'm talking much more than vegetarianism now.)Because he has handcrafted each of us. He has put his thumbprint on each of us, whether or not we choose to call his son our savior. And with that, he gives us the ability to make changes in the world around us by acting on the things that really nag at us. Not jumping on bandwagons, but really paying attention to how we've been created.

So we can ask God questions. But we also have to ask ourselves questions. Have we acted on our convictions?

Did you know that I love Valentine's Day?
I don't really go for the heart-shaped box of chocolates, roses, and doilies side of things, but I really like celebrating love. I like celebrating friendships, marriages, family members. I like celebrating life. To me, the two are intertwined. So, most Februaries, I get a little googly-eyed over everyone who loves me, every one who I am in the middle of cultivating relationships with. I gush a little.

And then I throw a party.

This year, I invited about 20 women, ranging in age from eighteen to fifty-something, from my church who I have been in close contact with in recent months. I told them, "Valentine's Day isn't just for couples, Ladies!" And then I waited.

And what I discovered made me smile. Because I found out that there are some women who are just craving girl time. They spend their days with children (who they love very much!) or working multiple jobs, and they do their tasks, their jobs, their assignments well. But sometimes? They just need to be filled up with a little conversation, laughter, and food. Girl time. It's almost funny that sometimes I think I'm the only one.

And it makes me smile(because I am laughing at myself)when I realize that the things I really love to do (cooking, hosting parties, bringing people together), the things that I have spent so much time thinking and telling myself are not good enough, not important enough are needed. They are needed for the mothers who see few adults during the day, for the women craving a good laugh, for the women who need to be reinvigorated. For the women who need a little encouragement.

I need them. Because when I invite someone in to my house to share a meal. When I spend time choosing recipes, cooking, and preparing to make someone feel welcome, taken care of, and comfortable, that is when I am recharged and when I feel most full of life and joyful.

I was wondering where my joy went.

I Eat the Bittersweet Chocolate

About four-and-a-half months ago, I applied for a position that I didn't qualify for. I really wanted it, though. My mother used to tell me, "it doesn't hurt to ask," so I found some courage and went for it.

And I got it. A job right up my alley. I landed a work study position at Shri Yoga and Wellness Center. I greeted customers, learned names,kept supplies stocked, cleaned windows and mats, folded laundry, took classes, and met some extraordinary people (and one beautiful woman who is hard to catch wearing a pair of shoes). I was in love.

In the meantime, Tim and I bought our first house and decided to revamp the whole thing. The climate in my classroom continued to change as students came and went. I was still committed to my girls at Calvary. Time was tight. Date nights with Tim dwindled away. Time for dinners at my house or any other house was hard to find. And I didn't have much time to spend with my girls outside of designated allotments.

So I made the decision to end my work study position.
I talked with Pam about this a couple of weeks ago. We had some good conversations, and she said I shouldn't worry about it. Everything would work out.
And you know, she was right. My shifts are already covered. Which is not what I was expecting or even hoping for. Tonight is my last night on duty. And I was told all sorts of sweet things, like I will be missed, I will always be part of this community, and I can always come back (even to take a -shh!- FREE class!), which helps because this whole thing is bittersweet.

Tonight, in true Pam fashion, I completed my last shift without any shoes.

So. Who wants to come over for dinner?

Orientation

Do you know who I love?

My girls.

I try to love them individually, not collectively, although my term for "them" suggests differently. I fail all the time.

I'm not sure if it's the weather, or the time of day, or the fact that I'm in weekend mode on a Thursday afternoon when I have to go back to work in less than 2 hours, but I am semi-seriously considering laying a few things out each year for my girls. Because I desperately want to see them blossom, and I don't want any perception of anything I said, did, or didn't say or do to get in the way of that.

What if I were to give out a disclaimer?
Here are a few things I might say:

1. Sometimes I don't know what you need. And although I know you might be going through something difficult, and you might not know how to tell me, could you please try? Because I'm trying to dig into a lot of girls' lives, and I miss a whole lot of signals in the process.

2. Depending on my day (or week or month), what has been said to me previously, or something else going on in my life, there are times when I cannot handle complaints about something my husband said or did. I try to be objective, but in the end, he has the best part of my heart a human can have, and there are times when I will be a little (a lot?) defensive. Please don't take this as a personal assault.

3. My absence from your game/play/party/concert doesn't mean I didn't want to be there. When I was choosing my own hours as a substitute teacher, I went to a lot more of my girls' events, and I still would have liked to attend more. Sometimes there are other commitments that get in the way of keeping a schedule that might seem ideal.

4. I'm human. I say thoughtless things and make lots of mistakes. I have bad days, and sometimes I'm grumpy. But overall? I love you. I try to get better at loving, but I love you imperfectly because I'm not Jesus. So when I fail you, try, please try not to let it rock your world too much. Try not to let it get you down. Try not to let it lead you to make big conclusions about life. Because I'm just a person who wants to hike with you on the best path.

And if you're ok with all that?
If you're ok with learning from and teaching someone a little older than you,
if you're ok with acting as a team to scale walls and keep from tumbling down steep inclines,
if you're ok with silence while the sunsets, keepings secrets, and digging for treasures, well, then,
we're going to have a grand adventure.

Better Than I Know Myself

Do you know how much I love yoga?

My husband does.

So this afternoon, while wallowing in how tired I felt, how bad my sleeping patterns have been, my husband asked me to do 2 minutes of yoga with him. He urged me to do it. I whined. I complained. I wanted to lay in bed for the next couple of hours and wait for energy to come to me.

But I did those 2 minutes. And after 2 minutes of practicing crow pose, I felt energized. I felt excited to tackle my yoga practice.

Tim knew just what I needed.

And now? I feel fantastic.