I am a Liar, but there is no Lying in Heaven.

I recently found out about a lie that was told about my husband in effort to proverbially save someone else's butt. I was sufficiently annoyed. I wanted to set the record straight.
My husband said no. After a short conversation, I realized that my annoyance was mostly related to pride.

Because I understand lying. I often lie when I am asked if I need help because I don't want to be a burden to someone else. I lie when Tim asks me what's wrong because I don't want to be a burden to him. (But I am a terrible liar, and he doesn't let me get away with it.) And lying always does the opposite of what I actually want- it works towards creating a wedge in the community I desire and encourages isolation- even when I "mean well."

The truth is, I desire community and true love, but those things are awkward. They look perfect and smooth in the books and the songs, but that is a false representation. I feel awkward when I accept help, I feel awkward when I am in the beginning (and middle!) stages of building relationships. I feel angry, disappointed, and sad to the point of (many) tears. But even while I am experiencing discouragement (which is often, because I desire to continue moving forward, and with new ground comes many unforeseen potholes, hills, and turns), I have the feeling that I am living in the middle of something beautiful. Just because I see beautiful things every day. Like the students that are thinking through the messages they are hearing for themselves and asking questions. Like the kids at the Community Center who, after nearly three months, are beginning to understand that I care about them and respond to that. Like the relationships with my kids and "Tim's" family (they're mine, too!) that are deepening. Like the encouragement that I periodically receive that maybe I'm doing ok, and I should just keep truckin'.

Things feel very bittersweet at the moment. But it's hard to imagine not always feeling that way to some degree. There are things that pull me down. Like the unloving actions of the church, the fact that orphans are treated as a last resort, the fact that people treat other people like objects. Like all the pain and suffering and misunderstanding and selfishness. But the sweet part comes because in the middle of it all, God still walks. He cares, he loves, and he is so much more heartbroken than I am. And it just.makes.me.long.for.heaven. Which is fine. Because it's such a reminder to put myself aside for a little while and live like I am part of the kingdom of God.

Lessons

Right now, I am wearing a shirt that has become one of my favorites in the last few hours. It formally belonged to Aymie, and it is beautiful. I feel good in it. Comfortable and a little stylish.

I put it on while getting ready for church this morning, took my time matching the "correct" color pants to it, accessorizing, and all the while feeling...romantic? That's not the right word, but it's the closest I can think of at the moment.

I'm a little bit symbolic. I wear a widow's mite to remind me what it really means to be generous and a wedding ring to symbolize my commitment to my husband and what a treasure he is in my life. And today I am wearing Aymie's shirt as a celebration of all of the things her family has given me. They have given me some of her clothes, which has been a gift in that act alone. The clothes came when all of my things seemed to be wearing out at the same time and I could not afford a new wardrobe. I have been given pies and pizzas...but even better are the intangible things.

My words will not adequately describe my joy when I think about Ann, Eric, Stacey, Kevin, and Alyssa. I feel a little bad about that, but I will feel worse if I do not say anything at all. I have a relationship with a little girl who squeals when she sees me, who jumps in my arms and wraps her own tiny arms around me and gives some of the best hugs I have ever had.

Yesterday, we spent the hour or so we had together running up and down hills, rolling playground balls up and down hills, throwing and catching, digging holes to bury rocks and acorns in, and exploring the grounds at my mother-in-law's house. It is so beautiful and energizing to live life with a 5-year-old. Alyssa just embraces it, finds wonder and joy in "small" things. I love that about her.

I love that I've been able to watch her grow things like thoughtfulness and patience. I love that she shares things about her mom with me, and am priviledged to watch her absolutely beam when I say good things about Aymie to her. I get to be a part of a child's growing up, and I really, really appreciate that. Appreciate isn't the right word. I absolutely treasure it.

I cry tears of joy sometimes when I think about Alyssa, this little girl who give me so much joy. About Ann, Eric, Stacey, and Kevin, who allow and encourage me to be a part of Alyssa's life. Who give me the physically close extended family that I have always wished for.

What's interesting to me is that part of the reason I am where I am right now is because I have worked to push past my fears to do what I thought was and is important for me to do.

I am afraid of *everything.* I am afraid that my actions will be misinterpreted, I am afraid that someone's feelings will get hurt when Alyssa runs for me instead of them, I am afraid of joining a conversation because I might not be wanted.

But I have realized that I cannot govern other people's ideas of who I am. I can't control whether they thing negative or positive thoughts, whether they understand who I really am, or why I do what I do. Because I desperately what to reach for the actions and the attitudes of loving God and loving others, I am often changing, and I am a different person every week. And because I am a different person every week, I cannot viably expect everyone who knows me to understand all of those changes, to know who I am inside and out. I don't even know that.

So I have stopped worrying so much if Alyssa hugs me before someone else. I have stopped worrying if I am unwanted in a conversation and started paying more attention to people instead of my own insecurities. I have stopped worrying so much if everyone else understands my motives, because I know most of them don't, and that's quite alright. I have stopped needing credit for all the things that most people don't see. I have reverted at times to my former habits, but I have still experienced an amazing growth of joy and satisfaction. And I am so exhuberant over that.

Today, I am a Human BE-ing

Last night, I realized that so much that has been bothering me has to do with the fact that I have been neglecting the things that nourish me. I have been trying to hand out cups of water from a well that has been drying up. I have been handing out less-than-exemplary water, and I have been exhausted from it.

Today, I am just trying to BE Sarah Marie (Lauterback) Koller. I am just trying to listen to what God wants, what is important to Him, and I am trying to pay less attention to what I believe will make me FEEL important.

I write lists every day. To get things done, to stay focused, to stay on top of things. And list are good; they are useful. But sometimes- sometimes, to be quite honest- I want to write my lists and check everything off so that later I can look back and read that I really did something worthwhile. It may be that I am a little too caught up in living life to the fullest, to make my life "count." Those are admirable goals, to be sure, but there are times that I get so caught up in the logistics of living a full life that I fail to do the very thing I was striving for.
How tricky.

So today, I will just be. I will write lists of what I believe to be important, but I will allow them to be secondary to the things that are important to God and the unforeseen circumstances that are a better plan than I would have chosen for myself.

Thank God for the Ability to Write

I see writing as a gift from God to me. It is my best form of communication, it is how I often sort out my thoughts, it is how I stay organized. I am not a great speaker; I am a processor. Actually, my husband fell in love with me because of the letters I wrote and was initially a little disappointed that I don't speak as well as I write.

Writing is my best tool, and I am grateful, so grateful, that I live in a place that allows me pens, paper, and internet to record my thoughts. Often, when I write, I am calling in my God-given reinforcements and not really trying to bestow any knowledge or wisdom on anyone else. I'm just trying to be honest about who I am and what I'm learning. Donald Miller taught me the value of that kind of practice.

But I don't write enough. Sometimes it is because I have sorted things out through a conversation (with God or with a friend. Or with myself). But often, it is because I struggle with sitting down and taking time to do things that take time. Things that don't look good on a to-do list or a resume. Like reading, writing, cooking (for anyone, really), and taking some time to sit and reflect, do yoga, and thank God. But that's who I am.

One of my quests in life is just to find out who God created me to be, and then just be that person. And I do get frustrated by the fact that it is a process. Lately, I have feeling pretty weighed down, sad, and drained. And lately, I have been pretty busy. I've been trying to find a more permanent and stable job, packing, moving, working. But I haven't been taking enough time to do all of the things I need to do to be the person God made me to be. To be unhurried. To be refreshed and filled up.

That really took its toll.
Just last month, I wrote a similar post, related to what it feels like to veer away from who God created me to be. It seems I really have trouble staying on my own path. I constantly want to run over to someone else's, try it out, ask them if they think mine is pretty enough. I want to take whoever's path is easier and requires less map-reading.
I'm told that I will probably become more self-aware as I age. So it might be true that I will not be blogging about similar issues within a few years.
And I'm ok saying that I don't have it all together and my love is imperfect and I cannot answer all questions.
But. In practice, I am at least a little frustrated that I don't know what God had in mind, inside and out, when He created me. I'm a little frustrated that I don't see the obvious right away. I'm a little frustrated that life is a process, actually. I want to "have it all together" so I can know that I am living life to the fullest, which happens to be a passion of mine. I want to do this living thing well. I want to use my time wisely. I want to know what true love is, and I want to pass it on to others.I want God to be pleased with me, and more than that, I am afraid of disappointing Him.

I think that is really the bottom line. There is no ,"Sarah, this is what I expect from you," except "love God, and love others." And learning to do those things seems to take especially long for me because, as I have recently realized, it is part of my nature to take my time ( I was actually born 2 weeks late after over 24 hours of delivery, I'm a processor in thought and in conversation, I communicate better through writing than I do through speech, I love to cook when I have plenty of time, I prefer not to wear a watch...).
That bothers me.
I think I just want to know that God is pleased with me. And maybe that is what keeps me coming back to know Him better and to know His creations better.
It seems He's pretty clever.

Tis the Season for Comfort Food

I love the autumn season.
The crisp air, the red leaves, hot drinks on cold days, sitting bundled up on a couch and enjoying the afternoon with friends. Sweaters and jeans. And everything pumpkin, apple, or caramel.

'Tis the season for comfort food!
Right now, my list looks like this:
-Beef and Barley Soup- I've made this once before, and it is fan-TASTIC. Definitely my favorite on a cold day.
-Vegetarian Chili. And Spicy Jalapeno Cornbread.
-Turkey Meatloaf and potatoes served a variety of ways (I'm a particular fan of the roasted variety.)
-Baked Apples
-Pan-Seared Oatmeal with Warm Fruit Compote and Cider Syrup
-Chicken Corn Chowder
-Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Bread

And you know, if you wanted to join me in a few of those eating occasions, I certainly wouldn't mind:).

I've just been "off" lately.
In the beginning, I blamed it on a build-up of hormones (which I experienced due to the birth control I was currently on), which really messed me up mentally and physically.
But because I've been making efforts to correct the hormone problem, I'm realizing that something's off with me.
Previously in life, this sort of realization would set me off in to a tailspin. (Actually, yesterday I did not fare so well, either, but I am blaming that on a variety of factors, like a lack of sleep and lack of decompression time.) But I am beginning to embrace the fact that, as a human being, my role can be likened to that of an instrument. I live my life so that the teenagers I meet can have things like hope, encouragement, a forum for discussion and processing, and a lot of love. I live my life in support of my husband, in efforts to encourage and love the people I meet. That is what I would like to think.
But the truth is, nothing really gets accomplished on my own. I have an entire support system, and I would not be who I am without them. I am an instrument, and I live so that other people can receive beautiful music, which is essentially love.

That is my mission. That is my life.
But lately, I've been getting so caught up in little things. I've been getting caught up in "whatever hits me in the face" (to quote Norm Barker), and I've been missing most of the things that are really important. Relationships. Love. Time.
And I'm lucky enough to have some of those things built in my day, but some of those things I have to pursue actively. I have to visit people and call them to find out how they're doing and really learn who they are.
And I haven't been.

And I agree that part of my recent problem has been hormonal. But part of it is because this ingrained mission to love and encourage and invest time is part of who I am. It's how I was made. And when I veer away from who I am at the core, it just doesn't feel good at all.

A lot Going on: Abridged

Last week, I moved in to the upper level of the house of a friend. Right now, despite the fact that the electricity suddenly shut off and I am roasting just a little, I am pretty pleased with that.

Last week, several months of planning came together when two friends were married at 11 o'clock in the morning on a rainy day. It's said that rain is good luck, and that rain was heavy. I love that kind of weather. Tim officiated, but I didn't get to hear most of what he said; I was in my element, running around, and making sure everything went smoothly. At reception, I really let loose on the dance floor. Despite the fact that I was the wedding coordinator, I was allowed, because I was also a friend. And I think I needed that dancing because when I went out there, I really let loose. I let all the stress and the fatigue and the business of the week out, and it felt really good.

Last week, I started something new. I decided not to weigh myself for 6 months. Weighing in is a trivial matter for a lot of people. But I take it to heart. I let the scale say things that it shouldn't have power to say. After reading a great article called "Why the Scale Lies," several weeks of sleep deprivation, about two months of a lop-sided fitness regimen of cardio, cardio, cardio, I decided it was a time for a (healthy) change. I had previously had a habit of not weighing myself, but I was afraid to go back to it for fear "I might gain weight." This time, I'm aiming for health and not a tiny number. I'm including (a moderate amount of) cardio, strength training, yoga, plenty of water, rather healthy eating (I've already discovered that pizza makes me feel horribly unhealthy, but I "can't go without" a few treats, like chocolate), and I'm aiming for 8 hours of sleep a night. Today is my sixth day, and already I feel fantastic. Healthy, energized, fit. Yesterday, I had planned on hitting the gym. But I realized I really needed a nap much more than I needed a workout, so I slept. It felt really good to make a choice that I new was benefitting my body (and consequently, a fuller life) like that.

Last week, I realized that I will probably end up substitute teaching again. Embracing this is really an exercise in humility for me, but already I have seen how this could really work out for my family (when I say that, I mean Tim and I, but I also mean family as a whole. Friends, relatives, aquaintances.) It allows me to be available at the store, to watch a friend's grandchild who just happens to need childcare very soon, to cook, to keep up the house that everyone else who is living in is way to busy to be able to keep up, to offer my time to those who really need it.
Ah, humility. It is not something I have a good grasp on, but I am learning a lot along the way.