I've moved!
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See you there!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Find Out Friday
In case you were wondering...
1. I have absolutely no problem with grass-fed meat or wild-caught fish. However, I have no desire to pay the price that comes with those things. I'd rather spend my money on Ladies' Brunch or cookies for "my kids." Perhaps I will become "that yoga girl who is usually a veggie, but sometimes eats the meats mentioned above"? No matter. I'm not too concerned with labels.
2. I have loved writing ever since I knew how. My dad taught me to write between the ages of 5 and 6. He taught me math with word problems because I loved the written word so much. In first grade, my fabulous teacher, Mrs. George said I should publish (meaning "turn in my story to be printed and then bound with wallpaper-covered cereal boxes.") Usually, everyone got published at once. But not this time. This time, I was special. So between my dad and one of my favorite teachers ever, I was hooked on writing.
3. You can win me over with very good chocolate.
4. You can also win me over by (sincerely!) offering to cook a meal with me.
5. I would really like to be able to do a handstand in the middle of a room (that is, with no support). I'm thinking if I keep practicing yoga, I'll be able to in a couple of years.
6. Hearing myself tell my story to my pal, Cindy, last night, led me to a particular conclusion: I may rather stay home during the day, typing up articles and recipes, and doing yoga during my breaks. I might rather follow up my dream day with lots of produce, a cutting board, yummy smells, and guests for dinner. But where I am right now is part of my story. And it is a good part.
7. In relation to the above fact, I'm fascinated with the following verse lately: "Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?" Matthew 16:24-26
1. I have absolutely no problem with grass-fed meat or wild-caught fish. However, I have no desire to pay the price that comes with those things. I'd rather spend my money on Ladies' Brunch or cookies for "my kids." Perhaps I will become "that yoga girl who is usually a veggie, but sometimes eats the meats mentioned above"? No matter. I'm not too concerned with labels.
2. I have loved writing ever since I knew how. My dad taught me to write between the ages of 5 and 6. He taught me math with word problems because I loved the written word so much. In first grade, my fabulous teacher, Mrs. George said I should publish (meaning "turn in my story to be printed and then bound with wallpaper-covered cereal boxes.") Usually, everyone got published at once. But not this time. This time, I was special. So between my dad and one of my favorite teachers ever, I was hooked on writing.
3. You can win me over with very good chocolate.
4. You can also win me over by (sincerely!) offering to cook a meal with me.
5. I would really like to be able to do a handstand in the middle of a room (that is, with no support). I'm thinking if I keep practicing yoga, I'll be able to in a couple of years.
6. Hearing myself tell my story to my pal, Cindy, last night, led me to a particular conclusion: I may rather stay home during the day, typing up articles and recipes, and doing yoga during my breaks. I might rather follow up my dream day with lots of produce, a cutting board, yummy smells, and guests for dinner. But where I am right now is part of my story. And it is a good part.
7. In relation to the above fact, I'm fascinated with the following verse lately: "Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?" Matthew 16:24-26
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Veggies Get Serious
I am a vegetarian.
Phew. There, I said it.
If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you might know that I have done experiments with vegetarianism in the past. Experiments that were meant to last 30 days lasted 2 weeks. I determined that I was just not the kind of girl who was going to cut anything out and call it a full life. I had cut too many foods, calories, and joys out of my life in my past, and I was not about to commit to doing it again.
When my sister came home from her last semester of college, she decided to try veganism. Her courage to try something different and difficult, in the face of family dinners and meals at Olive Garden nudged me.
I really wanted to cut meat out of my life. By this time, it had been awhile. I had read many times that it takes several pounds of grain to create one pound of meat. Meanwhile, too many people are going hungry. Those thoughts tug at my heart. Because my love language, if I had to pick one, is food. That's how I love people. I want to fill everyone up with good food and good company. I want to see them smile and laugh and sit around a table telling stories and discussing life.
I just didn't think I could give up meat. I thought my body needed it. I thought I would end up even more tired than I already was.
But Katie's choices encouraged me to get back on the vegetarian horse. So, on December 26, I did. And so far? It has been a really great ride.
Up until now, I haven't made my choice public. Mostly, I have mentioned it as it has come up (such as when I have been invited to dinner). I have chosen not to discuss it a whole lot because I am not trying to recruit people to adopt my conviction. After a lot of trial and error, I have come to strongly believe that in addition to being created uniquely, every person has been given a heart that beats louder and faster for different reasons. Everyone has the capacity to care about a lot of things, but no one can carry that interest far enough to do something about everything. But in each heart, there are convictions. A different set. (And they may change.) It is those convictions that must be acted upon, because it is the actions taken based upon what the heart is truly convicted of that make our stories great.
Most of us (maybe all of us) have heard the questions, "Where was God when..." "Where is God?" I think it is fine, and even great, to ask tough questions. Those questions aren't too difficult for God, and he knows our hearts already. But when we ask those questions, we also must ask if we've acted upon our convictions. (And I realize I'm talking much more than vegetarianism now.)Because he has handcrafted each of us. He has put his thumbprint on each of us, whether or not we choose to call his son our savior. And with that, he gives us the ability to make changes in the world around us by acting on the things that really nag at us. Not jumping on bandwagons, but really paying attention to how we've been created.
So we can ask God questions. But we also have to ask ourselves questions. Have we acted on our convictions?
Phew. There, I said it.
If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you might know that I have done experiments with vegetarianism in the past. Experiments that were meant to last 30 days lasted 2 weeks. I determined that I was just not the kind of girl who was going to cut anything out and call it a full life. I had cut too many foods, calories, and joys out of my life in my past, and I was not about to commit to doing it again.
When my sister came home from her last semester of college, she decided to try veganism. Her courage to try something different and difficult, in the face of family dinners and meals at Olive Garden nudged me.
I really wanted to cut meat out of my life. By this time, it had been awhile. I had read many times that it takes several pounds of grain to create one pound of meat. Meanwhile, too many people are going hungry. Those thoughts tug at my heart. Because my love language, if I had to pick one, is food. That's how I love people. I want to fill everyone up with good food and good company. I want to see them smile and laugh and sit around a table telling stories and discussing life.
I just didn't think I could give up meat. I thought my body needed it. I thought I would end up even more tired than I already was.
But Katie's choices encouraged me to get back on the vegetarian horse. So, on December 26, I did. And so far? It has been a really great ride.
Up until now, I haven't made my choice public. Mostly, I have mentioned it as it has come up (such as when I have been invited to dinner). I have chosen not to discuss it a whole lot because I am not trying to recruit people to adopt my conviction. After a lot of trial and error, I have come to strongly believe that in addition to being created uniquely, every person has been given a heart that beats louder and faster for different reasons. Everyone has the capacity to care about a lot of things, but no one can carry that interest far enough to do something about everything. But in each heart, there are convictions. A different set. (And they may change.) It is those convictions that must be acted upon, because it is the actions taken based upon what the heart is truly convicted of that make our stories great.
Most of us (maybe all of us) have heard the questions, "Where was God when..." "Where is God?" I think it is fine, and even great, to ask tough questions. Those questions aren't too difficult for God, and he knows our hearts already. But when we ask those questions, we also must ask if we've acted upon our convictions. (And I realize I'm talking much more than vegetarianism now.)Because he has handcrafted each of us. He has put his thumbprint on each of us, whether or not we choose to call his son our savior. And with that, he gives us the ability to make changes in the world around us by acting on the things that really nag at us. Not jumping on bandwagons, but really paying attention to how we've been created.
So we can ask God questions. But we also have to ask ourselves questions. Have we acted on our convictions?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Did you know that I love Valentine's Day?
I don't really go for the heart-shaped box of chocolates, roses, and doilies side of things, but I really like celebrating love. I like celebrating friendships, marriages, family members. I like celebrating life. To me, the two are intertwined. So, most Februaries, I get a little googly-eyed over everyone who loves me, every one who I am in the middle of cultivating relationships with. I gush a little.
And then I throw a party.
This year, I invited about 20 women, ranging in age from eighteen to fifty-something, from my church who I have been in close contact with in recent months. I told them, "Valentine's Day isn't just for couples, Ladies!" And then I waited.
And what I discovered made me smile. Because I found out that there are some women who are just craving girl time. They spend their days with children (who they love very much!) or working multiple jobs, and they do their tasks, their jobs, their assignments well. But sometimes? They just need to be filled up with a little conversation, laughter, and food. Girl time. It's almost funny that sometimes I think I'm the only one.
And it makes me smile(because I am laughing at myself)when I realize that the things I really love to do (cooking, hosting parties, bringing people together), the things that I have spent so much time thinking and telling myself are not good enough, not important enough are needed. They are needed for the mothers who see few adults during the day, for the women craving a good laugh, for the women who need to be reinvigorated. For the women who need a little encouragement.
I need them. Because when I invite someone in to my house to share a meal. When I spend time choosing recipes, cooking, and preparing to make someone feel welcome, taken care of, and comfortable, that is when I am recharged and when I feel most full of life and joyful.
I was wondering where my joy went.
I don't really go for the heart-shaped box of chocolates, roses, and doilies side of things, but I really like celebrating love. I like celebrating friendships, marriages, family members. I like celebrating life. To me, the two are intertwined. So, most Februaries, I get a little googly-eyed over everyone who loves me, every one who I am in the middle of cultivating relationships with. I gush a little.
And then I throw a party.
This year, I invited about 20 women, ranging in age from eighteen to fifty-something, from my church who I have been in close contact with in recent months. I told them, "Valentine's Day isn't just for couples, Ladies!" And then I waited.
And what I discovered made me smile. Because I found out that there are some women who are just craving girl time. They spend their days with children (who they love very much!) or working multiple jobs, and they do their tasks, their jobs, their assignments well. But sometimes? They just need to be filled up with a little conversation, laughter, and food. Girl time. It's almost funny that sometimes I think I'm the only one.
And it makes me smile(because I am laughing at myself)when I realize that the things I really love to do (cooking, hosting parties, bringing people together), the things that I have spent so much time thinking and telling myself are not good enough, not important enough are needed. They are needed for the mothers who see few adults during the day, for the women craving a good laugh, for the women who need to be reinvigorated. For the women who need a little encouragement.
I need them. Because when I invite someone in to my house to share a meal. When I spend time choosing recipes, cooking, and preparing to make someone feel welcome, taken care of, and comfortable, that is when I am recharged and when I feel most full of life and joyful.
I was wondering where my joy went.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I Eat the Bittersweet Chocolate
About four-and-a-half months ago, I applied for a position that I didn't qualify for. I really wanted it, though. My mother used to tell me, "it doesn't hurt to ask," so I found some courage and went for it.
And I got it. A job right up my alley. I landed a work study position at Shri Yoga and Wellness Center. I greeted customers, learned names,kept supplies stocked, cleaned windows and mats, folded laundry, took classes, and met some extraordinary people (and one beautiful woman who is hard to catch wearing a pair of shoes). I was in love.
In the meantime, Tim and I bought our first house and decided to revamp the whole thing. The climate in my classroom continued to change as students came and went. I was still committed to my girls at Calvary. Time was tight. Date nights with Tim dwindled away. Time for dinners at my house or any other house was hard to find. And I didn't have much time to spend with my girls outside of designated allotments.
So I made the decision to end my work study position.
I talked with Pam about this a couple of weeks ago. We had some good conversations, and she said I shouldn't worry about it. Everything would work out.
And you know, she was right. My shifts are already covered. Which is not what I was expecting or even hoping for. Tonight is my last night on duty. And I was told all sorts of sweet things, like I will be missed, I will always be part of this community, and I can always come back (even to take a -shh!- FREE class!), which helps because this whole thing is bittersweet.
Tonight, in true Pam fashion, I completed my last shift without any shoes.
So. Who wants to come over for dinner?
And I got it. A job right up my alley. I landed a work study position at Shri Yoga and Wellness Center. I greeted customers, learned names,kept supplies stocked, cleaned windows and mats, folded laundry, took classes, and met some extraordinary people (and one beautiful woman who is hard to catch wearing a pair of shoes). I was in love.
In the meantime, Tim and I bought our first house and decided to revamp the whole thing. The climate in my classroom continued to change as students came and went. I was still committed to my girls at Calvary. Time was tight. Date nights with Tim dwindled away. Time for dinners at my house or any other house was hard to find. And I didn't have much time to spend with my girls outside of designated allotments.
So I made the decision to end my work study position.
I talked with Pam about this a couple of weeks ago. We had some good conversations, and she said I shouldn't worry about it. Everything would work out.
And you know, she was right. My shifts are already covered. Which is not what I was expecting or even hoping for. Tonight is my last night on duty. And I was told all sorts of sweet things, like I will be missed, I will always be part of this community, and I can always come back (even to take a -shh!- FREE class!), which helps because this whole thing is bittersweet.
Tonight, in true Pam fashion, I completed my last shift without any shoes.
So. Who wants to come over for dinner?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Orientation
Do you know who I love?
My girls.
I try to love them individually, not collectively, although my term for "them" suggests differently. I fail all the time.
I'm not sure if it's the weather, or the time of day, or the fact that I'm in weekend mode on a Thursday afternoon when I have to go back to work in less than 2 hours, but I am semi-seriously considering laying a few things out each year for my girls. Because I desperately want to see them blossom, and I don't want any perception of anything I said, did, or didn't say or do to get in the way of that.
What if I were to give out a disclaimer?
Here are a few things I might say:
1. Sometimes I don't know what you need. And although I know you might be going through something difficult, and you might not know how to tell me, could you please try? Because I'm trying to dig into a lot of girls' lives, and I miss a whole lot of signals in the process.
2. Depending on my day (or week or month), what has been said to me previously, or something else going on in my life, there are times when I cannot handle complaints about something my husband said or did. I try to be objective, but in the end, he has the best part of my heart a human can have, and there are times when I will be a little (a lot?) defensive. Please don't take this as a personal assault.
3. My absence from your game/play/party/concert doesn't mean I didn't want to be there. When I was choosing my own hours as a substitute teacher, I went to a lot more of my girls' events, and I still would have liked to attend more. Sometimes there are other commitments that get in the way of keeping a schedule that might seem ideal.
4. I'm human. I say thoughtless things and make lots of mistakes. I have bad days, and sometimes I'm grumpy. But overall? I love you. I try to get better at loving, but I love you imperfectly because I'm not Jesus. So when I fail you, try, please try not to let it rock your world too much. Try not to let it get you down. Try not to let it lead you to make big conclusions about life. Because I'm just a person who wants to hike with you on the best path.
And if you're ok with all that?
If you're ok with learning from and teaching someone a little older than you,
if you're ok with acting as a team to scale walls and keep from tumbling down steep inclines,
if you're ok with silence while the sunsets, keepings secrets, and digging for treasures, well, then,
we're going to have a grand adventure.
My girls.
I try to love them individually, not collectively, although my term for "them" suggests differently. I fail all the time.
I'm not sure if it's the weather, or the time of day, or the fact that I'm in weekend mode on a Thursday afternoon when I have to go back to work in less than 2 hours, but I am semi-seriously considering laying a few things out each year for my girls. Because I desperately want to see them blossom, and I don't want any perception of anything I said, did, or didn't say or do to get in the way of that.
What if I were to give out a disclaimer?
Here are a few things I might say:
1. Sometimes I don't know what you need. And although I know you might be going through something difficult, and you might not know how to tell me, could you please try? Because I'm trying to dig into a lot of girls' lives, and I miss a whole lot of signals in the process.
2. Depending on my day (or week or month), what has been said to me previously, or something else going on in my life, there are times when I cannot handle complaints about something my husband said or did. I try to be objective, but in the end, he has the best part of my heart a human can have, and there are times when I will be a little (a lot?) defensive. Please don't take this as a personal assault.
3. My absence from your game/play/party/concert doesn't mean I didn't want to be there. When I was choosing my own hours as a substitute teacher, I went to a lot more of my girls' events, and I still would have liked to attend more. Sometimes there are other commitments that get in the way of keeping a schedule that might seem ideal.
4. I'm human. I say thoughtless things and make lots of mistakes. I have bad days, and sometimes I'm grumpy. But overall? I love you. I try to get better at loving, but I love you imperfectly because I'm not Jesus. So when I fail you, try, please try not to let it rock your world too much. Try not to let it get you down. Try not to let it lead you to make big conclusions about life. Because I'm just a person who wants to hike with you on the best path.
And if you're ok with all that?
If you're ok with learning from and teaching someone a little older than you,
if you're ok with acting as a team to scale walls and keep from tumbling down steep inclines,
if you're ok with silence while the sunsets, keepings secrets, and digging for treasures, well, then,
we're going to have a grand adventure.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Better Than I Know Myself
Do you know how much I love yoga?
My husband does.
So this afternoon, while wallowing in how tired I felt, how bad my sleeping patterns have been, my husband asked me to do 2 minutes of yoga with him. He urged me to do it. I whined. I complained. I wanted to lay in bed for the next couple of hours and wait for energy to come to me.
But I did those 2 minutes. And after 2 minutes of practicing crow pose, I felt energized. I felt excited to tackle my yoga practice.
Tim knew just what I needed.
And now? I feel fantastic.
My husband does.
So this afternoon, while wallowing in how tired I felt, how bad my sleeping patterns have been, my husband asked me to do 2 minutes of yoga with him. He urged me to do it. I whined. I complained. I wanted to lay in bed for the next couple of hours and wait for energy to come to me.
But I did those 2 minutes. And after 2 minutes of practicing crow pose, I felt energized. I felt excited to tackle my yoga practice.
Tim knew just what I needed.
And now? I feel fantastic.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
For the Love of Life and Katie Jane
Katie, did you see that I wore a tiara on my wedding day?
It's true. You and I have more in common than you might realize.
Several weeks ago, I skipped my ordinary yoga class to visit Hello, Bluebird with
Danielle, Dayna, and Steph
Not only did I end up having a great time with 3 beautiful ladies that I love, but I also discovered this.
Some of my favorites?
And just because it reminds me so much of Katie
It's true. You and I have more in common than you might realize.
Several weeks ago, I skipped my ordinary yoga class to visit Hello, Bluebird with
Danielle, Dayna, and Steph
Not only did I end up having a great time with 3 beautiful ladies that I love, but I also discovered this.
Some of my favorites?
And just because it reminds me so much of Katie
Friday, January 8, 2010
Unsavvy Savings
I love this man.
This morning, after some fairly harsh disappointment, he held me and told me he loved me. And my day got brighter.
Over the span of a few days,I've come up with a list of ways to save money on some of my favorite foods. It is surprising how many coupons and free samples can be found after a quick trip to the websites of my favorite brands! But it needs to be said that some of my efforts to save money have resulted in the cost of something else. Something greater.
I pursued a work study position at a local yoga studio several months ago because I thought that my job was going to be eliminated. I have fallen in love with yoga and I did not want to give that up, so in exchange for as many classes as I want to take, I agreed to work 4 hours a week for a minimum of 6 months.
I did not lose my job. Which means that "as many classes as I want to take" turned into "2 classes for my own sanity because that is all I can fit in while teaching full-time, volunteering at church, doing a 4+ hour work study, attempting to keep relationships in tact,and moving and remodeling a new house." It should be said that Tim (and Bill, Mary Ellen, my parents, Ed, Steve, and Matt) ended up doing most of the work at the new house while I fulfilled my obligations. And while yoga leaves me feeling great (and I am just as hooked as ever), my schedule has a)been very full, leaving me feeling overwhelmed much of the time, and b) not often coincided with Tim's schedule.
Part B is the worst part. Tim is my best friend, my partner. And we need time together so we can hash life out together, so we can root each other on, and so we can work as a well-practiced team.
But...
the fury of our home projects is dying down.
I am discontinuing my work study after my 6-month commitment is over.
I have found another free yoga alternative, a less time-consuming one (amazingyoga.net offers free podcasts).
Tim and I spent hours talking everything out last Tuesday.
And I am going to one of my favorite cities with my favorite person this weekend.
This morning, after some fairly harsh disappointment, he held me and told me he loved me. And my day got brighter.
Over the span of a few days,I've come up with a list of ways to save money on some of my favorite foods. It is surprising how many coupons and free samples can be found after a quick trip to the websites of my favorite brands! But it needs to be said that some of my efforts to save money have resulted in the cost of something else. Something greater.
I pursued a work study position at a local yoga studio several months ago because I thought that my job was going to be eliminated. I have fallen in love with yoga and I did not want to give that up, so in exchange for as many classes as I want to take, I agreed to work 4 hours a week for a minimum of 6 months.
I did not lose my job. Which means that "as many classes as I want to take" turned into "2 classes for my own sanity because that is all I can fit in while teaching full-time, volunteering at church, doing a 4+ hour work study, attempting to keep relationships in tact,and moving and remodeling a new house." It should be said that Tim (and Bill, Mary Ellen, my parents, Ed, Steve, and Matt) ended up doing most of the work at the new house while I fulfilled my obligations. And while yoga leaves me feeling great (and I am just as hooked as ever), my schedule has a)been very full, leaving me feeling overwhelmed much of the time, and b) not often coincided with Tim's schedule.
Part B is the worst part. Tim is my best friend, my partner. And we need time together so we can hash life out together, so we can root each other on, and so we can work as a well-practiced team.
But...
the fury of our home projects is dying down.
I am discontinuing my work study after my 6-month commitment is over.
I have found another free yoga alternative, a less time-consuming one (amazingyoga.net offers free podcasts).
Tim and I spent hours talking everything out last Tuesday.
And I am going to one of my favorite cities with my favorite person this weekend.
Monday, January 4, 2010
It's Starting!
Well, we're moved!
There are still boxes to unpack, rooms to arrange, and projects to finish. I ended up wearing somewhat wrinkled pants to work today. But I now live in a cute little house in a neighborhood perfect for this moment in my life. Woo-hoo!
And...Tim and I have already been given opportunities to start our new adventure! On Thursday night (or maybe it was Friday?), Tim asked me if I would mind if our friends Josh and Heather slept over. On Friday. In the midst of boxes and dust. And I didn't. As long as they were made aware of the situation they were getting themselves into, I was ecstatic.
On Saturday morning, I brewed coffee and made pancakes out of a box and turkey bacon that had been waiting to be used. It was wonderful. When I left at 11 am, there were 8 other people at my house! I was loving it and I had a hard time tearing myself away.
On Sunday, Tim and I looked around at everything that remained to be done until our house could be declared suitable for get-togethers, and we decided to have people over anyway. My dear friend, Kristin, and two of her boys set to work on my house while I was out, and when I got back, I was able to enjoy their company, actually use my kitchen thanks to them, make a simple meal of soup and grilled cheese, and welcome more guests as they arrived. Pure bliss.
There are still boxes to unpack, rooms to arrange, and projects to finish. I ended up wearing somewhat wrinkled pants to work today. But I now live in a cute little house in a neighborhood perfect for this moment in my life. Woo-hoo!
And...Tim and I have already been given opportunities to start our new adventure! On Thursday night (or maybe it was Friday?), Tim asked me if I would mind if our friends Josh and Heather slept over. On Friday. In the midst of boxes and dust. And I didn't. As long as they were made aware of the situation they were getting themselves into, I was ecstatic.
On Saturday morning, I brewed coffee and made pancakes out of a box and turkey bacon that had been waiting to be used. It was wonderful. When I left at 11 am, there were 8 other people at my house! I was loving it and I had a hard time tearing myself away.
On Sunday, Tim and I looked around at everything that remained to be done until our house could be declared suitable for get-togethers, and we decided to have people over anyway. My dear friend, Kristin, and two of her boys set to work on my house while I was out, and when I got back, I was able to enjoy their company, actually use my kitchen thanks to them, make a simple meal of soup and grilled cheese, and welcome more guests as they arrived. Pure bliss.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I'm a Quasi-veggie, Chocolate-loving, Everything-itarian
Despite the fact that I just ate 2/3 of the Dove Dark Chocolate with Almonds I received in my Christmas stocking (I do still get those! Don't pretend you're too grown-up for a stocking), I do like to eat pretty well.
But.
Although I have experimented with varying ways of eating, cutting out specific foods is not something that works in my life. For several reasons, very few of which are relevant to this particular post. Still, I find myself delving into the vegetarian side of life more and more as of late.
I like meat. It isn't that.But for me, the most compelling reason I ever would become a vegetarian if I did is because it requires many pounds of grain to produce just one pound of meat. More people can be fed on a plant-based diet than on a stereotypically American one (that is, a diet that stresses meat as the main dish. The fact that so many people in our world (even our country and our city) continue to go hungry, coupled with the fact that I want serve many people many meals at my house is a motivating factor for me.
But, like I said, I'm not interested in completely cutting out specific foods. As the wife of a youth pastor, I attend church dinners, meals with friends, and parents of "my kids." I sometimes receive gift cards to go out to eat with my husband, and I provide quick meals for meetings. There are sometimes vegetarian options during those occasions (and of course, sometimes I will choose those options), but they are not always the most resourceful options, in regard to health, price, or enjoyment.
And honestly, sometimes hard and fast rules drain some of the joy out of life. For me.
With all of that in mind, there will be many vegetarian meals served in my home. Like the meal I cooked up two nights ago: vegan chili. I didn't take a picture, because the end result is not particularly photogenic, but it is delicious! I asked my husband if the meal was too hippy-ish, and he said no, so I'm going to take his word for it and make it again. Mostly because the whole pot was gone in a matter of two days. In the pot:
-a little olive oil, heated
-a few cloves of garlic, minced, and 1 1/2 onions diced. I sauteed those in the hot oil on medium-low-ish eat until soft
-then I threw in a can of diced tomatoes with mild chilis, two cans of drained and rinsed black beans, a can of drained and rinsed kidney beans, chili powder, and cumin.
I let all of that simmer and then crushed some falafel chips from my recent trip to Whole Foods with Katie. Those were not cheap, but any hearty tortilla chip, or even saltines, would work just as well.
And in the spirit of saving money, I came across this freebie. If you're interested in some free stevia packets, just scroll down to the bottom right-hand side of the page and click on "Free 50-count Box" to get started.
But.
Although I have experimented with varying ways of eating, cutting out specific foods is not something that works in my life. For several reasons, very few of which are relevant to this particular post. Still, I find myself delving into the vegetarian side of life more and more as of late.
I like meat. It isn't that.But for me, the most compelling reason I ever would become a vegetarian if I did is because it requires many pounds of grain to produce just one pound of meat. More people can be fed on a plant-based diet than on a stereotypically American one (that is, a diet that stresses meat as the main dish. The fact that so many people in our world (even our country and our city) continue to go hungry, coupled with the fact that I want serve many people many meals at my house is a motivating factor for me.
But, like I said, I'm not interested in completely cutting out specific foods. As the wife of a youth pastor, I attend church dinners, meals with friends, and parents of "my kids." I sometimes receive gift cards to go out to eat with my husband, and I provide quick meals for meetings. There are sometimes vegetarian options during those occasions (and of course, sometimes I will choose those options), but they are not always the most resourceful options, in regard to health, price, or enjoyment.
And honestly, sometimes hard and fast rules drain some of the joy out of life. For me.
With all of that in mind, there will be many vegetarian meals served in my home. Like the meal I cooked up two nights ago: vegan chili. I didn't take a picture, because the end result is not particularly photogenic, but it is delicious! I asked my husband if the meal was too hippy-ish, and he said no, so I'm going to take his word for it and make it again. Mostly because the whole pot was gone in a matter of two days. In the pot:
-a little olive oil, heated
-a few cloves of garlic, minced, and 1 1/2 onions diced. I sauteed those in the hot oil on medium-low-ish eat until soft
-then I threw in a can of diced tomatoes with mild chilis, two cans of drained and rinsed black beans, a can of drained and rinsed kidney beans, chili powder, and cumin.
I let all of that simmer and then crushed some falafel chips from my recent trip to Whole Foods with Katie. Those were not cheap, but any hearty tortilla chip, or even saltines, would work just as well.
And in the spirit of saving money, I came across this freebie. If you're interested in some free stevia packets, just scroll down to the bottom right-hand side of the page and click on "Free 50-count Box" to get started.
Monday, December 28, 2009
New Year's Resolutions
Most years, I don't make New Year's Resolutions.
This year is a little different. You might have guessed that after reading the title of this post.
This year, Tim and I bought a house. On December 31, we move in to the neighborhood where my church is located, a neighborhood where I want to get to know people and get involved. A neighborhood where some kids don't eat meals with the exception of the weekly family dinner that takes place at the church.
I've been doing a lot of brainstorming and a lot of daydreaming.
When I picture my dream life, I see people in and out of my house all the time. In the kitchen, the living room, the dining room. There are neighborhood kids, my own children, friends, and people who just need a break from the life that they ordinarily live. Mostly, those people sit around a table and are fed with food. But there is so much more that happens around that table. Magic happens there.
Imagine what it feels like when you sit around and share a meal with people who you know love you. It's magic. Some people have no idea what that feels like, but I want those people to find it at my house.
My house is going to become a place full of hot meals, games, laughter, love, and peace. That is my New Year's Resolution.
So. This blog is going to change a little bit.
Over the next year, I am planning on blogging my adventures in feeding...everyone. I'll be writing about creating yummy, nutritious meals on a budget, coming up with resources for all those meals,sharing my successful (and sometimes unsuccessful recipes), talking about hurdles and joys, and posting about freebies and promotions I find (because I know I'm not the only one who'll be looking for a good bargain in the coming year!).
Happy New Year to you.
May it be a year of peace, joy, and new adventures.
This year is a little different. You might have guessed that after reading the title of this post.
This year, Tim and I bought a house. On December 31, we move in to the neighborhood where my church is located, a neighborhood where I want to get to know people and get involved. A neighborhood where some kids don't eat meals with the exception of the weekly family dinner that takes place at the church.
I've been doing a lot of brainstorming and a lot of daydreaming.
When I picture my dream life, I see people in and out of my house all the time. In the kitchen, the living room, the dining room. There are neighborhood kids, my own children, friends, and people who just need a break from the life that they ordinarily live. Mostly, those people sit around a table and are fed with food. But there is so much more that happens around that table. Magic happens there.
Imagine what it feels like when you sit around and share a meal with people who you know love you. It's magic. Some people have no idea what that feels like, but I want those people to find it at my house.
My house is going to become a place full of hot meals, games, laughter, love, and peace. That is my New Year's Resolution.
So. This blog is going to change a little bit.
Over the next year, I am planning on blogging my adventures in feeding...everyone. I'll be writing about creating yummy, nutritious meals on a budget, coming up with resources for all those meals,sharing my successful (and sometimes unsuccessful recipes), talking about hurdles and joys, and posting about freebies and promotions I find (because I know I'm not the only one who'll be looking for a good bargain in the coming year!).
Happy New Year to you.
May it be a year of peace, joy, and new adventures.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Four years ago, my boyfriend was working as a construction worker, makinglots of money.
Then he proposed to me.
Then he accepted a job a youth pastor, making a lot less money.
And I jumped up and down, squealing that my dreams were coming true.
A few months ago, I decided that I couldn't take on any more commitments and do well at everything I am already signed up for.
And then we bought a house.
I'm feeling a little drained.
But.
I'm not much of a squealer any more. I'm a planner.
I've been planning things like what kinds of pancake toppings to keep on hand and how I can keep things simple so I can have lots of people over often.
Because my dreams are coming true.
In one of my dreams, my home is a place where people come to find peace and rest. They come to get their hearts, spirits, and tummies filled up. The house is always full of the smells of something delicious cooking, and a new memory is always on the horizon.
Sometimes the food isn't fancy, because at my house, we feed everyone. Even if that means we are out of grocery money. But everyone leaves feeling loved. And full. In more ways than one.
Then he proposed to me.
Then he accepted a job a youth pastor, making a lot less money.
And I jumped up and down, squealing that my dreams were coming true.
A few months ago, I decided that I couldn't take on any more commitments and do well at everything I am already signed up for.
And then we bought a house.
I'm feeling a little drained.
But.
I'm not much of a squealer any more. I'm a planner.
I've been planning things like what kinds of pancake toppings to keep on hand and how I can keep things simple so I can have lots of people over often.
Because my dreams are coming true.
In one of my dreams, my home is a place where people come to find peace and rest. They come to get their hearts, spirits, and tummies filled up. The house is always full of the smells of something delicious cooking, and a new memory is always on the horizon.
Sometimes the food isn't fancy, because at my house, we feed everyone. Even if that means we are out of grocery money. But everyone leaves feeling loved. And full. In more ways than one.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Apple for the Teacher
Today I found myself in the only shop within walking distance of my office that I thought might sell me an apple. I did end up finding apples there, but it was a granny smith, certainly not my favorite kind.
I took a drink and an apple to the cash register, and while the man behind the counter was ringing me up, he asked if I was Hispanic. I told him no, and he went on to tell me that he thought I was, and that I look "mixed." Another woman working there laughed and assured him that I probably knew if I was or wasn't, and we all laughed about the fact that we're all mixes of something and it might very well be true that a little bit of Hispanic blood runs through my veins.
I left the store smiling. You know, the kind of smile you can't stop yourself from smiling. The kind of smile that feels like sunshine on a spring day or a hug from someone you love who also happens to be wearing a sweatshirt. I know I probably don't look Hispanic at all; no one else has ever told me that. But maybe my students are getting into my skin, maybe they're part of the glow that shows up in recent pictures.
I am in love with my students. While the transition to my job has been difficult, I am glad for it, because my time with my students has resulted in love for the people of Reading. I don't feel intimidated like I would have previously. I don't feel annoyed because of the reputation that comes with the name. I feel like some people living here just need someone to listen. I feel like some people living here have beautiful hearts, and some people just need a hand. I feel like I am in love.
I feel elated that somewhat might even think that I am "one of them."
And I feel like that was one of the best apples I've had in a long time.
I took a drink and an apple to the cash register, and while the man behind the counter was ringing me up, he asked if I was Hispanic. I told him no, and he went on to tell me that he thought I was, and that I look "mixed." Another woman working there laughed and assured him that I probably knew if I was or wasn't, and we all laughed about the fact that we're all mixes of something and it might very well be true that a little bit of Hispanic blood runs through my veins.
I left the store smiling. You know, the kind of smile you can't stop yourself from smiling. The kind of smile that feels like sunshine on a spring day or a hug from someone you love who also happens to be wearing a sweatshirt. I know I probably don't look Hispanic at all; no one else has ever told me that. But maybe my students are getting into my skin, maybe they're part of the glow that shows up in recent pictures.
I am in love with my students. While the transition to my job has been difficult, I am glad for it, because my time with my students has resulted in love for the people of Reading. I don't feel intimidated like I would have previously. I don't feel annoyed because of the reputation that comes with the name. I feel like some people living here just need someone to listen. I feel like some people living here have beautiful hearts, and some people just need a hand. I feel like I am in love.
I feel elated that somewhat might even think that I am "one of them."
And I feel like that was one of the best apples I've had in a long time.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Happy Monday
It's a great day here in Crazy Town.
I love Mondays.
Oops.Let me rephrase that.
I love the beginning of anything. I'm a fan of the beginning of a "new" month, week, year, project, or recipe. There's just so much possibility in the start of something new. (Am I being a little too sunny for a Monday morning? Please feel free to plug your ears and hum as necessary.)
One of the biggest lies that have tripped me up in life is, "oops. you missed perfection today, better start tomorrow." Somehow, I also bought into the idea that because I am not perfect, then the logical reasoning would be that I have failed. If I have already failed, I might as well continue "failing" (and also wallowing in my mistakes)and then give "perfection" another try tomorrow. It is this kind of thinking that kept me in a (clearly) unhealthy binging habit for 4 or 5 years.
What brought me freedom is the thought that I can make better choices at any moment. I can choose not to inhale an entire bag of chocolate. I can choose to react differently to situations that bother me. I can choose to have a better attitude. Every moment is new. Those moments may hold some carried-over consequences, but every moment is a chance to build on something different. Better. Maybe no one will notice right away when I choose to change my attitude from bad to good, but I know, and eventually, the new moments can become old. They can become the way things are.
So, I like Mondays. I love Mondays. I lvoe the possibilities of the next moment. Because they give my perfection-driven personality some freedom, some room to breath, some room to truly live. Right now, in this moment.
I love Mondays.
Oops.Let me rephrase that.
I love the beginning of anything. I'm a fan of the beginning of a "new" month, week, year, project, or recipe. There's just so much possibility in the start of something new. (Am I being a little too sunny for a Monday morning? Please feel free to plug your ears and hum as necessary.)
One of the biggest lies that have tripped me up in life is, "oops. you missed perfection today, better start tomorrow." Somehow, I also bought into the idea that because I am not perfect, then the logical reasoning would be that I have failed. If I have already failed, I might as well continue "failing" (and also wallowing in my mistakes)and then give "perfection" another try tomorrow. It is this kind of thinking that kept me in a (clearly) unhealthy binging habit for 4 or 5 years.
What brought me freedom is the thought that I can make better choices at any moment. I can choose not to inhale an entire bag of chocolate. I can choose to react differently to situations that bother me. I can choose to have a better attitude. Every moment is new. Those moments may hold some carried-over consequences, but every moment is a chance to build on something different. Better. Maybe no one will notice right away when I choose to change my attitude from bad to good, but I know, and eventually, the new moments can become old. They can become the way things are.
So, I like Mondays. I love Mondays. I lvoe the possibilities of the next moment. Because they give my perfection-driven personality some freedom, some room to breath, some room to truly live. Right now, in this moment.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Yesterday's News
I was up too early yesterday. I laid in bed, giving sleep a chance to come. When it didn't, I was almost glad. I enjoy my mornings. The gym's not open yet, phone calls would not yet be appropriate, there's nothing on the schedule. There's just me, a cup of coffee, and my favorite cat snuggling in my lap.
Life often feels like chaos. It's the ball of yarn that ends up in extra stitches, a few holes, and a few mismatched patterns while I'm trying to knit it into a scarf. It's the dinner that wanders away from what I planned it to be when I thought I had all the right ingredients. It's the house full of old, ugly wall paper and stained carpets that I'm hoping will be transformed into something that feels like home in less than two months.
Of course, I could (and I do) fixate on the failed scarf, the imperfect meal. I could worry about how all of those upcoming home projects are going to get done while I'm still living life. I could fixate on my personal happiness and whether or not I'm successful. But when I do (and I do all of those things), I always miss what is really important. Perfection and success are concepts that often lack workable, concrete definitions, so for me, they always seem out of reach when I am staring at them, fixating on them, wondering if I can be found somewhere where they are. And happiness? Of course, I'm all for it. But it's an emotion that has its place in a healthy life, just like anger, disappointment, guilt, and excitement. So setting happiness as a goal is like setting surprise or excitement as a goal. Which leads me to believe that happiness is not really the goal we're setting when we say it is.
One thing I am hashing out in my own life is that discomfort is as much a part of a healthy, satisfying life as happiness is, and to wish it away in favor of a constant feeling of happiness is to miss part of what it means to be human and what makes the sweet times so sweet. I'm realizing that the parameters of failure and success have very little to do with whether or not things go as planned, or what everyone thinks of me, or whether or not I am at or above the status quo. There are times when it is important to sit through, live in, and not wish away uncomfortable situations. No one ever gets better at running or weight lifting or painting or anything by determining to remain within a comfort zone because pushing outside of it would be undeniably uncomfortable. No one improves that way.
Interestingly enough, when I embrace those ideas and let go of my former efforts of measuring success, I feel much freer to live out who I am, something no one else can do. And that feels good.
Life often feels like chaos. It's the ball of yarn that ends up in extra stitches, a few holes, and a few mismatched patterns while I'm trying to knit it into a scarf. It's the dinner that wanders away from what I planned it to be when I thought I had all the right ingredients. It's the house full of old, ugly wall paper and stained carpets that I'm hoping will be transformed into something that feels like home in less than two months.
Of course, I could (and I do) fixate on the failed scarf, the imperfect meal. I could worry about how all of those upcoming home projects are going to get done while I'm still living life. I could fixate on my personal happiness and whether or not I'm successful. But when I do (and I do all of those things), I always miss what is really important. Perfection and success are concepts that often lack workable, concrete definitions, so for me, they always seem out of reach when I am staring at them, fixating on them, wondering if I can be found somewhere where they are. And happiness? Of course, I'm all for it. But it's an emotion that has its place in a healthy life, just like anger, disappointment, guilt, and excitement. So setting happiness as a goal is like setting surprise or excitement as a goal. Which leads me to believe that happiness is not really the goal we're setting when we say it is.
One thing I am hashing out in my own life is that discomfort is as much a part of a healthy, satisfying life as happiness is, and to wish it away in favor of a constant feeling of happiness is to miss part of what it means to be human and what makes the sweet times so sweet. I'm realizing that the parameters of failure and success have very little to do with whether or not things go as planned, or what everyone thinks of me, or whether or not I am at or above the status quo. There are times when it is important to sit through, live in, and not wish away uncomfortable situations. No one ever gets better at running or weight lifting or painting or anything by determining to remain within a comfort zone because pushing outside of it would be undeniably uncomfortable. No one improves that way.
Interestingly enough, when I embrace those ideas and let go of my former efforts of measuring success, I feel much freer to live out who I am, something no one else can do. And that feels good.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tricks of the Trade
Recently, I have been focusing on a areas of my life that I would like to refine.
Complaining. I mentioned this briefly in the past. Complaining is really something that can turn into poison if left unchecked. So, to counteract my habit of complaining about everything that bothers me, I've been writing lists (one of my favorite things!) titled, "things I can be grateful for" nearly every day. Notice I don't write "things I AM grateful for." Sometimes I am just feeling too disgruntled to really feel grateful, but most times my outlook has turned around by the time I finish my list.
The Blues. I deal with Seasonal Affective Disorder every year. I haven't been diagnosed, but I do exhibit the symptoms.
:::I don't think this fact crossed my mind the year I got married (I was married in January). The (good and bad) stress that came with the wedding, coupled with the fact that it was winter made for an interesting situation when I put my dress on the day of my wedding. (Ladies! If you are planning on getting married, get a dress that can be adjusted!):::
In order to combat the disorder, and my current dread of winter, I've been making a conscious effort to get in some physical activity in every day. (Late fall and winter is a time when I ordinarily seem to give up all exercise, which probably contributes to my problem.) Even on really busy days. Even on days when I would rather nap. On some days, this means I am walking up and down the 5 flights of stairs at work whenever I have a free moment.
Today, I am going on a six-mile walk at Gring's Mill with my mom. Something that satisfies my need for physical activity and being something I am grateful for.
Complaining. I mentioned this briefly in the past. Complaining is really something that can turn into poison if left unchecked. So, to counteract my habit of complaining about everything that bothers me, I've been writing lists (one of my favorite things!) titled, "things I can be grateful for" nearly every day. Notice I don't write "things I AM grateful for." Sometimes I am just feeling too disgruntled to really feel grateful, but most times my outlook has turned around by the time I finish my list.
The Blues. I deal with Seasonal Affective Disorder every year. I haven't been diagnosed, but I do exhibit the symptoms.
:::I don't think this fact crossed my mind the year I got married (I was married in January). The (good and bad) stress that came with the wedding, coupled with the fact that it was winter made for an interesting situation when I put my dress on the day of my wedding. (Ladies! If you are planning on getting married, get a dress that can be adjusted!):::
In order to combat the disorder, and my current dread of winter, I've been making a conscious effort to get in some physical activity in every day. (Late fall and winter is a time when I ordinarily seem to give up all exercise, which probably contributes to my problem.) Even on really busy days. Even on days when I would rather nap. On some days, this means I am walking up and down the 5 flights of stairs at work whenever I have a free moment.
Today, I am going on a six-mile walk at Gring's Mill with my mom. Something that satisfies my need for physical activity and being something I am grateful for.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
How Sweet it Is
It's National Oatmeal Day!
Of course, I didn't remember to take a picture of my fabulous oatmeal concoction while I had the camera at home, so I am asking you to trust me that I ate a big bowl of awesome this morning.
What went in:
1/3 cup oats
2/3 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk
1 very thinly sliced banana, cooked in
the rest of my pumpkin puree
cinnamon
a big spoonful of (natural!) peanut butter
a small handful of ghirardelli 60% cacao chocolate chips
But even BETTER than oatmeal day...
I hopped on our home scale yesterday on a whim. The number was a little higher than I hoped it would be. I also got weighed in at the doctor's office in the afternoon. I didn't look at the number, but the nurse announced it to me (I can't remember this ever happening before!). Of course, by then, I had had lots of waters, two meals, and I was fully clothed, so the number was even higher.
And I DIDN'T CARE. Not at all. I feel good in my own skin, I (usually) eat well, and I have (finally!) embraced the idea that I have been trying to drill into my own head: being healthy is about quality of life (and not about how "pretty" the number on the scale sounds).
I looks like I have gotten a little healthier in the head:).
Of course, I didn't remember to take a picture of my fabulous oatmeal concoction while I had the camera at home, so I am asking you to trust me that I ate a big bowl of awesome this morning.
What went in:
1/3 cup oats
2/3 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk
1 very thinly sliced banana, cooked in
the rest of my pumpkin puree
cinnamon
a big spoonful of (natural!) peanut butter
a small handful of ghirardelli 60% cacao chocolate chips
But even BETTER than oatmeal day...
I hopped on our home scale yesterday on a whim. The number was a little higher than I hoped it would be. I also got weighed in at the doctor's office in the afternoon. I didn't look at the number, but the nurse announced it to me (I can't remember this ever happening before!). Of course, by then, I had had lots of waters, two meals, and I was fully clothed, so the number was even higher.
And I DIDN'T CARE. Not at all. I feel good in my own skin, I (usually) eat well, and I have (finally!) embraced the idea that I have been trying to drill into my own head: being healthy is about quality of life (and not about how "pretty" the number on the scale sounds).
I looks like I have gotten a little healthier in the head:).
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Creative Spaces
I might stick with this layout for awhile. With the exception of the pictures added to the header, everything just might stay the same for awhile.
Don't hold me to it.
I'm feely really picky about my blog right now. I really enjoy writing and reading blog entries. So much so that I sometimes dream of turning my love into a part time job, much like Kath. I love to write, cook, taste new foods, and share meals, and I think I could create a fun blog out of that.
Not surprisingly, there are some roadblocks to my Bohemian, not-quite-realistic dream. One is that I have already stated that I really shouldn't commit to anything else right now. And another is that I don't actually own the portable camera that is really necessary to facilitate a quality blog. I have a rather large camera that is bound to be stolen at some point during my day time blog adventures.
So. It looks like I will be putting this one little desire on hold until something drops out of my life. Until then, I'll do what I can with what I've got.
Don't hold me to it.
I'm feely really picky about my blog right now. I really enjoy writing and reading blog entries. So much so that I sometimes dream of turning my love into a part time job, much like Kath. I love to write, cook, taste new foods, and share meals, and I think I could create a fun blog out of that.
Not surprisingly, there are some roadblocks to my Bohemian, not-quite-realistic dream. One is that I have already stated that I really shouldn't commit to anything else right now. And another is that I don't actually own the portable camera that is really necessary to facilitate a quality blog. I have a rather large camera that is bound to be stolen at some point during my day time blog adventures.
So. It looks like I will be putting this one little desire on hold until something drops out of my life. Until then, I'll do what I can with what I've got.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Humble Beginnings
Humility is NOT my strong point.
There are times when I think, "ok, I'm going to make this right. I'm going to apologize and then we'll have this great heart-to-heart, and everything will be so much better." Here's the thing with my plans: they don't always work out how I think they should. Sometimes the person I am opening myself up to, the person I am apologizing to, doesn't apologize. Sometimes they take the opportunity to explain to me why their actions were justified and then launch into a mini-sermon.
That is when practicing humility (notice I didn't say being humble! I'm not there yet.) feels ICKY. I missed out on that heart connection. And really, what I wanted was an apology. I wanted the other person to reciprocate my vulnerability so that I didn't feel so vulnerable.
But, in all actuality, recognizing that about myself does make me feel better. It points out that I am still obsessing over the situation because I didn't get what I wanted. Knowing that helps me to let it go.
There are times when I think, "ok, I'm going to make this right. I'm going to apologize and then we'll have this great heart-to-heart, and everything will be so much better." Here's the thing with my plans: they don't always work out how I think they should. Sometimes the person I am opening myself up to, the person I am apologizing to, doesn't apologize. Sometimes they take the opportunity to explain to me why their actions were justified and then launch into a mini-sermon.
That is when practicing humility (notice I didn't say being humble! I'm not there yet.) feels ICKY. I missed out on that heart connection. And really, what I wanted was an apology. I wanted the other person to reciprocate my vulnerability so that I didn't feel so vulnerable.
But, in all actuality, recognizing that about myself does make me feel better. It points out that I am still obsessing over the situation because I didn't get what I wanted. Knowing that helps me to let it go.
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