I've discovered that, although I sing about all glory being for God, I sometimes really want the glory for me. I want to be acknowledged and thanked. I want someone to tell me that I'm doing a good job and praise me in public. (Is anyone else thinking about Pharisees right now? I am.) There was a moment last night when I knew I would ordinarily be upset because I couldn't share in the glory, but this time I wasn't upset. And it was wonderful. Fulfilling, even.

I've decided that "be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry" is my current theme verse. There is a lot that could be said here. One of those things is that there were times when I needed to correct my girls while I was a Harvey Cedars this week. And the thing about correction is that it really needs to be done in love. Now, I know that love sometimes means giving out what people need instead of what they want, and I know that love means that sometimes I will not be liked. I am working to learn how to love people like that and not worry about being liked. BUT. There were times when I did not correct in love. I corrected out of annoyance, anger, feelings of injustice. And while my words might have been the same in love or in annoyance, the heart certainly would not have been. And life is found in the heart.

I am not sure how to write this next part. I'm a confessed "ideas girl." I come up with lots of ideas, spread them around, and many of them never come to fruition. But I'm going to risk being cliche and say "things are different this time." This time, my ideas come from what it means to be the church, what it means to love, and what is indicated as important in the Bible. I have spent a lot of time feeling like I was withering at my church. Unfed and mostly unencouraged (which I will quality as different that discouraged in that I am saying that I really did not feel very encouraged. It does seem the two are pretty close in definition). This may happen again, however, it is not enough to point out what is wrong and allow my energy and resources and emotions to be drained and then inadequately replenished. I want to do things that matter, so I need to do things that matter. I need to meet needs.

I have come up with a list of feasible ways to meet needs. I'm encouraged by that. I'm encouraged by the fact that my ideas were considered at my last Women's Ministry meeting. I'm encouraged by the fact that there are at least a few people who have some of the same desires I do. James 1:27 says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." Right now, I am a little fixated on the "orphans and widows" part. I am a little fixated on what I can do to "make a difference." That is another difference this time- I'm more focused on what I can do and not on what I would need a huge collaboration of like-minded people to accomplish. I am not at all against huge collaborations. But I'm not there right now.

And right now, at just before 10:00 pm, I am incredibly sleepy. So this is where I will have to end my written thoughts for the day.

Goodnight:).

Getting to Sleep

One day you will know so many strange facts about me that you will simply want to stop reading my blog in hopes of preserving your own normalcy.

Today's fact: I really have a hard time getting my butt into bed when Tim is not home. It doesn't matter that I'm tired. It doesn't matter that I have to get up early for work tomorrow. It doesn't matter that I've checked off everything on today's to-do list and I am no longer good for anything productive.

The truth is, if he came home NOW, I would get a hug and cuddle for approximately two minutes before I fell hard into dream world.

I'm thinking I have to grow out of this eventually, but it has been 1 1/2 years, and so far, no luck in that department. However, right now, I'm thinking I'll savor it. Because maybe one day, things will be different. Different can mean a lot of things, but I'm thinking that right now I'll savor the feeling that says I am enmeshed in someone else's life and things don't feel complete at this very moment. It reminds me that I am a part of something intricate and even breath-taking.

An Attempt to Break Writer's Block

Sometimes I want to write, but I can't.
It seems my most journalistic moments occur when I am on a walk or alone in the car and far, far away from the possibility of writing anything down.
But, since this blog is kept more for the sake of honesty than journalistic endeavors, I am in luck.

Even though today is not one of my more poetic days, I feel the need to write. Because it is hard to write the first entry upon returning from a trip to Israel. Because the less-poetic days need to be recorded, too. Because if I don't write now, I just might fall out of the habit for far longer than I intended.

On some days, I seem to "wake up on the wrong side of the bed." The truth is, I almost always wake up on the same side, unless Tim has gotten up long enough before me that I've had time to unconsciously arrange my body diagonally across the entire queen-sized bed. But there are days when I am irritated almost upon waking. When I can't be pleased. I feel mean and dissatisfied and like picking a fight.

And it's nothing revolutionary, but my enjoyment in those days is the fact that I get another look at the parts of me that are Jesus and the parts that aren't. Grumpy you-can't-please-me-Sarah isn't Jesus. BUT, just like my husband (and actually on a greater scale), I know that my Savior loves me the same on my most difficult of days. It's freeing.

I'm back from Israel.