Last night, I realized that so much that has been bothering me has to do with the fact that I have been neglecting the things that nourish me. I have been trying to hand out cups of water from a well that has been drying up. I have been handing out less-than-exemplary water, and I have been exhausted from it.
Today, I am just trying to BE Sarah Marie (Lauterback) Koller. I am just trying to listen to what God wants, what is important to Him, and I am trying to pay less attention to what I believe will make me FEEL important.
I write lists every day. To get things done, to stay focused, to stay on top of things. And list are good; they are useful. But sometimes- sometimes, to be quite honest- I want to write my lists and check everything off so that later I can look back and read that I really did something worthwhile. It may be that I am a little too caught up in living life to the fullest, to make my life "count." Those are admirable goals, to be sure, but there are times that I get so caught up in the logistics of living a full life that I fail to do the very thing I was striving for.
How tricky.
So today, I will just be. I will write lists of what I believe to be important, but I will allow them to be secondary to the things that are important to God and the unforeseen circumstances that are a better plan than I would have chosen for myself.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Thank God for the Ability to Write
I see writing as a gift from God to me. It is my best form of communication, it is how I often sort out my thoughts, it is how I stay organized. I am not a great speaker; I am a processor. Actually, my husband fell in love with me because of the letters I wrote and was initially a little disappointed that I don't speak as well as I write.
Writing is my best tool, and I am grateful, so grateful, that I live in a place that allows me pens, paper, and internet to record my thoughts. Often, when I write, I am calling in my God-given reinforcements and not really trying to bestow any knowledge or wisdom on anyone else. I'm just trying to be honest about who I am and what I'm learning. Donald Miller taught me the value of that kind of practice.
But I don't write enough. Sometimes it is because I have sorted things out through a conversation (with God or with a friend. Or with myself). But often, it is because I struggle with sitting down and taking time to do things that take time. Things that don't look good on a to-do list or a resume. Like reading, writing, cooking (for anyone, really), and taking some time to sit and reflect, do yoga, and thank God. But that's who I am.
One of my quests in life is just to find out who God created me to be, and then just be that person. And I do get frustrated by the fact that it is a process. Lately, I have feeling pretty weighed down, sad, and drained. And lately, I have been pretty busy. I've been trying to find a more permanent and stable job, packing, moving, working. But I haven't been taking enough time to do all of the things I need to do to be the person God made me to be. To be unhurried. To be refreshed and filled up.
That really took its toll.
Just last month, I wrote a similar post, related to what it feels like to veer away from who God created me to be. It seems I really have trouble staying on my own path. I constantly want to run over to someone else's, try it out, ask them if they think mine is pretty enough. I want to take whoever's path is easier and requires less map-reading.
I'm told that I will probably become more self-aware as I age. So it might be true that I will not be blogging about similar issues within a few years.
And I'm ok saying that I don't have it all together and my love is imperfect and I cannot answer all questions.
But. In practice, I am at least a little frustrated that I don't know what God had in mind, inside and out, when He created me. I'm a little frustrated that I don't see the obvious right away. I'm a little frustrated that life is a process, actually. I want to "have it all together" so I can know that I am living life to the fullest, which happens to be a passion of mine. I want to do this living thing well. I want to use my time wisely. I want to know what true love is, and I want to pass it on to others.I want God to be pleased with me, and more than that, I am afraid of disappointing Him.
I think that is really the bottom line. There is no ,"Sarah, this is what I expect from you," except "love God, and love others." And learning to do those things seems to take especially long for me because, as I have recently realized, it is part of my nature to take my time ( I was actually born 2 weeks late after over 24 hours of delivery, I'm a processor in thought and in conversation, I communicate better through writing than I do through speech, I love to cook when I have plenty of time, I prefer not to wear a watch...).
That bothers me.
I think I just want to know that God is pleased with me. And maybe that is what keeps me coming back to know Him better and to know His creations better.
It seems He's pretty clever.
Writing is my best tool, and I am grateful, so grateful, that I live in a place that allows me pens, paper, and internet to record my thoughts. Often, when I write, I am calling in my God-given reinforcements and not really trying to bestow any knowledge or wisdom on anyone else. I'm just trying to be honest about who I am and what I'm learning. Donald Miller taught me the value of that kind of practice.
But I don't write enough. Sometimes it is because I have sorted things out through a conversation (with God or with a friend. Or with myself). But often, it is because I struggle with sitting down and taking time to do things that take time. Things that don't look good on a to-do list or a resume. Like reading, writing, cooking (for anyone, really), and taking some time to sit and reflect, do yoga, and thank God. But that's who I am.
One of my quests in life is just to find out who God created me to be, and then just be that person. And I do get frustrated by the fact that it is a process. Lately, I have feeling pretty weighed down, sad, and drained. And lately, I have been pretty busy. I've been trying to find a more permanent and stable job, packing, moving, working. But I haven't been taking enough time to do all of the things I need to do to be the person God made me to be. To be unhurried. To be refreshed and filled up.
That really took its toll.
Just last month, I wrote a similar post, related to what it feels like to veer away from who God created me to be. It seems I really have trouble staying on my own path. I constantly want to run over to someone else's, try it out, ask them if they think mine is pretty enough. I want to take whoever's path is easier and requires less map-reading.
I'm told that I will probably become more self-aware as I age. So it might be true that I will not be blogging about similar issues within a few years.
And I'm ok saying that I don't have it all together and my love is imperfect and I cannot answer all questions.
But. In practice, I am at least a little frustrated that I don't know what God had in mind, inside and out, when He created me. I'm a little frustrated that I don't see the obvious right away. I'm a little frustrated that life is a process, actually. I want to "have it all together" so I can know that I am living life to the fullest, which happens to be a passion of mine. I want to do this living thing well. I want to use my time wisely. I want to know what true love is, and I want to pass it on to others.I want God to be pleased with me, and more than that, I am afraid of disappointing Him.
I think that is really the bottom line. There is no ,"Sarah, this is what I expect from you," except "love God, and love others." And learning to do those things seems to take especially long for me because, as I have recently realized, it is part of my nature to take my time ( I was actually born 2 weeks late after over 24 hours of delivery, I'm a processor in thought and in conversation, I communicate better through writing than I do through speech, I love to cook when I have plenty of time, I prefer not to wear a watch...).
That bothers me.
I think I just want to know that God is pleased with me. And maybe that is what keeps me coming back to know Him better and to know His creations better.
It seems He's pretty clever.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Tis the Season for Comfort Food
I love the autumn season.
The crisp air, the red leaves, hot drinks on cold days, sitting bundled up on a couch and enjoying the afternoon with friends. Sweaters and jeans. And everything pumpkin, apple, or caramel.
'Tis the season for comfort food!
Right now, my list looks like this:
-Beef and Barley Soup- I've made this once before, and it is fan-TASTIC. Definitely my favorite on a cold day.
-Vegetarian Chili. And Spicy Jalapeno Cornbread.
-Turkey Meatloaf and potatoes served a variety of ways (I'm a particular fan of the roasted variety.)
-Baked Apples
-Pan-Seared Oatmeal with Warm Fruit Compote and Cider Syrup
-Chicken Corn Chowder
-Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Bread
And you know, if you wanted to join me in a few of those eating occasions, I certainly wouldn't mind:).
The crisp air, the red leaves, hot drinks on cold days, sitting bundled up on a couch and enjoying the afternoon with friends. Sweaters and jeans. And everything pumpkin, apple, or caramel.
'Tis the season for comfort food!
Right now, my list looks like this:
-Beef and Barley Soup- I've made this once before, and it is fan-TASTIC. Definitely my favorite on a cold day.
-Vegetarian Chili. And Spicy Jalapeno Cornbread.
-Turkey Meatloaf and potatoes served a variety of ways (I'm a particular fan of the roasted variety.)
-Baked Apples
-Pan-Seared Oatmeal with Warm Fruit Compote and Cider Syrup
-Chicken Corn Chowder
-Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Bread
And you know, if you wanted to join me in a few of those eating occasions, I certainly wouldn't mind:).
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