Good morning.
This morning I want to talk about death. You don't have to read it. I won't quiz you the next time you see me to find out whether you've been reading my blog.
But this morning, I'm dressed in all black. Black sweater, black pants, black heels. I am planning on going to a viewing with my coworkers. Someone will have to stay back, and it might be me, but I am prepared.
I am prepared to go to a viewing of the son of one of my coworkers. It seems that the laws of life should dictate that people should not die early. But they do. We all have stories of people we love dying before they should. Don't we?
So I think about death often. I have learned by now that the people I love are not promised to me indefinitely. They are a gift to me right this very minute, to be treasured and loved right now. This is part of life for me. Death must be part of life because it gives value and meaning to every day. Even to those things that seem mundane.
Tim sometimes jokes that we have a deal: he dies before I do. I remind him (of course) that I never agreed to such a deal. But I do know that I am not promised him forever. It would be painful, to say the least, to live without him, but I try to treasure him every day because of that knowledge. (That is not to say that I am always successful in this attempt.)
Tim also says that if he does die before I do, he wants a party. You know, a celebration. I think there is validity to celebrating his life and what he will leave behind. I want that for myself, too. A life worth celebrating.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The News
Shanna asked me today "what's new" with me.
I told her that I flip-flop between sanity and insanity so often, that it's hard to tell.
I told her that I flip-flop between sanity and insanity so often, that it's hard to tell.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
a few written thoughts before i go on with my day
This is going to be fairly random. Just to warn you. If you are a person who values order and purpose highly, you may not want to read the following cathartic ramblings.
I miss everyone. I don't know if it's just "one of those moods," maybe coming from that fact that I just haven't been sleeping enough. But I just miss everyone. I want to go to Texas to have morning coffee in person with my beautiful friend Sarah. I want to take a long walk with Audrey. I want to give a big hug to my Aunt Anne and her daughters Jenna and Ali. I want to lie in the grass and talk about life with Jeannie, Kristin, Debbie, and Dani. I want to give everyone I know an extra long, extra tight hug.
Sometimes I think that it would be great if my church could hire me as the Youth Pastor's Assistant. Such a move would mean I would get paid for doing what I love and for much of what I already do. I like my job. (I teach for the Pennsylvania state Move Up Program, which helps low-income adults achieve their Geds, get trained in a trade, and then acquire jobs.) It's a good fit for me, but that deep pit in my heart that beats stronger when I feel most alive is not with my job.
It's with my girls. It was so. hard. this year when I can to explain to them over and over, "no, I can't go with you to summer camp." It was harder when they left without me. And logically, I know it turned out well. I know two fabulous counselors who might have missed out on the experience if I had gone were there. And I know it is good for the girls to be able to do their thing without me. It's healthy.
But when I see joy on their faces. When I see tears after they see lies they've been believing (about themselves, about anyone) for what they are. When I see them continually grow into women who make wise decisions and who live their lives with abandon. When I see them asking tough questions. That is what I live for.
And it's with my family. I have a 9-year-old cousin who has one of the most beautiful personalities I have encountered. Her aunt died almost two years ago, and Michelle has things to talk about. When she's so honest about life and her feelings and what's important to her and what isn't. When she asks about my feelings about Aymie and that deep pit in her heart turns on when I say, "Tell me a story about her." That is what I live for.
I miss everyone. I don't know if it's just "one of those moods," maybe coming from that fact that I just haven't been sleeping enough. But I just miss everyone. I want to go to Texas to have morning coffee in person with my beautiful friend Sarah. I want to take a long walk with Audrey. I want to give a big hug to my Aunt Anne and her daughters Jenna and Ali. I want to lie in the grass and talk about life with Jeannie, Kristin, Debbie, and Dani. I want to give everyone I know an extra long, extra tight hug.
Sometimes I think that it would be great if my church could hire me as the Youth Pastor's Assistant. Such a move would mean I would get paid for doing what I love and for much of what I already do. I like my job. (I teach for the Pennsylvania state Move Up Program, which helps low-income adults achieve their Geds, get trained in a trade, and then acquire jobs.) It's a good fit for me, but that deep pit in my heart that beats stronger when I feel most alive is not with my job.
It's with my girls. It was so. hard. this year when I can to explain to them over and over, "no, I can't go with you to summer camp." It was harder when they left without me. And logically, I know it turned out well. I know two fabulous counselors who might have missed out on the experience if I had gone were there. And I know it is good for the girls to be able to do their thing without me. It's healthy.
But when I see joy on their faces. When I see tears after they see lies they've been believing (about themselves, about anyone) for what they are. When I see them continually grow into women who make wise decisions and who live their lives with abandon. When I see them asking tough questions. That is what I live for.
And it's with my family. I have a 9-year-old cousin who has one of the most beautiful personalities I have encountered. Her aunt died almost two years ago, and Michelle has things to talk about. When she's so honest about life and her feelings and what's important to her and what isn't. When she asks about my feelings about Aymie and that deep pit in her heart turns on when I say, "Tell me a story about her." That is what I live for.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Day Nine: Why This Might Not Work For Me
I'm on the ninth day of my vegetarian experiment. I am loving it. I'm enjoying the food, I feel great, and I don't miss meat.
But there is one reason I have found that this might not work for me. Here it goes:
I am extremely relational. That is, I value relationships above everything else. To tell the truth, I am fairly picky about most things, when left to my own devices. But when it comes to relationships, all of that goes out the window. I have watched movies that I never would have watched on my own and tv shows that I really didn't like, eaten things I wouldn't have made for myself, and gone places that I wouldn't normally choose to go to, just to spend time with people. It's not that it feels like a sacrifice (although, after episode number gazillion of the Simpsons, it has certainly approached sacrifice level); it's just that compared to the value of spending time with people I love, I just don't care that I end up doing things I don't like.
One of my absolute favorite things to do anywhere is sit around a table with people I love, or people I am going to love, or anybody and share a meal, stories, and laughter. Sometimes this means I eat dinner at somebody else's house. Last night, I ate dinner at my pal, Jaimie's, house. I originally said that I would come after dinner, because I am experimenting with vegetarianism, and I don't want to "be a pain in the butt." (That is a quote.) She told me she knew that, but still wanted me to come to dinner, I said I would make an exception and eat the meat, she said no, and I went to dinner.
But while I was sitting there, eating my meat-free meal (and it was yummy), I just felt like I was missing out on the piece of the community experience. There is magic in sharing a meal around a table. If you think about it, you might know what I mean. And I just felt like, by opting out of part of the meal, I was also opting out on a little of the magic. The community experience.
But there is one reason I have found that this might not work for me. Here it goes:
I am extremely relational. That is, I value relationships above everything else. To tell the truth, I am fairly picky about most things, when left to my own devices. But when it comes to relationships, all of that goes out the window. I have watched movies that I never would have watched on my own and tv shows that I really didn't like, eaten things I wouldn't have made for myself, and gone places that I wouldn't normally choose to go to, just to spend time with people. It's not that it feels like a sacrifice (although, after episode number gazillion of the Simpsons, it has certainly approached sacrifice level); it's just that compared to the value of spending time with people I love, I just don't care that I end up doing things I don't like.
One of my absolute favorite things to do anywhere is sit around a table with people I love, or people I am going to love, or anybody and share a meal, stories, and laughter. Sometimes this means I eat dinner at somebody else's house. Last night, I ate dinner at my pal, Jaimie's, house. I originally said that I would come after dinner, because I am experimenting with vegetarianism, and I don't want to "be a pain in the butt." (That is a quote.) She told me she knew that, but still wanted me to come to dinner, I said I would make an exception and eat the meat, she said no, and I went to dinner.
But while I was sitting there, eating my meat-free meal (and it was yummy), I just felt like I was missing out on the piece of the community experience. There is magic in sharing a meal around a table. If you think about it, you might know what I mean. And I just felt like, by opting out of part of the meal, I was also opting out on a little of the magic. The community experience.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Ten Reasons Why My Husband is My Favorite Person on this Planet
1. He lets me be me. I don't know how this is for everyone, but as a "pastor's wife," I find that sometimes people place a lot of varying expectations on me. Tim does not do that. For him, there's no mold. He wants me to be me, because as he says, the church is better for it if I am myself. How freeing is that!
2. He's adventurous. I can't live a satisfying life without some adventure. This guy knows adventure. Before we were married, we went sky diving and jumping his car off of "ramps," but the clincher was when I asked him where he would be willing to live. He said anywhere. Anywhere in the United States, or anywhere? Anywhere. I was sold (ok, I was also "sold" on a number of other occasions, as well.)
3. He's passionate. About his job, the church, his family, and learning.
4. He supports my ideas, despite the fact that those ideas are many and often changing. Some of those idea include publishing, holding dinner parties, planting herbs, learning to sew/knit/bake bread/make hummus, buying a little black pig, buying a goat, adoption, holding a community kitchen, starting a themed co-written blog, and going vegetarian. Not all of those ideas come to fruition, but Tim is willing to back me on anything that does come about.
5. He knows me better than anyone else, and still chooses to think I am great.
6. He really loves people.
7. He is committed to our marriage.
8. He is certainly the better communicator between the two of us, and things get worked out when we argue.
9. He makes me a better person. To name a few ways this is true: I am more patient, more self-confident, carrying fewer issues (including anger and bitterness), and more free since we began our relationship.
10. Just because he is my husband. Of course we both love each other, and then we are human and imperfect. But he is my partner in this adventure called life, and I'm so grateful for that.
2. He's adventurous. I can't live a satisfying life without some adventure. This guy knows adventure. Before we were married, we went sky diving and jumping his car off of "ramps," but the clincher was when I asked him where he would be willing to live. He said anywhere. Anywhere in the United States, or anywhere? Anywhere. I was sold (ok, I was also "sold" on a number of other occasions, as well.)
3. He's passionate. About his job, the church, his family, and learning.
4. He supports my ideas, despite the fact that those ideas are many and often changing. Some of those idea include publishing, holding dinner parties, planting herbs, learning to sew/knit/bake bread/make hummus, buying a little black pig, buying a goat, adoption, holding a community kitchen, starting a themed co-written blog, and going vegetarian. Not all of those ideas come to fruition, but Tim is willing to back me on anything that does come about.
5. He knows me better than anyone else, and still chooses to think I am great.
6. He really loves people.
7. He is committed to our marriage.
8. He is certainly the better communicator between the two of us, and things get worked out when we argue.
9. He makes me a better person. To name a few ways this is true: I am more patient, more self-confident, carrying fewer issues (including anger and bitterness), and more free since we began our relationship.
10. Just because he is my husband. Of course we both love each other, and then we are human and imperfect. But he is my partner in this adventure called life, and I'm so grateful for that.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down
Today is day two.
So far, the only thing I have not been pleased with about all of this is is this:
Thumbs down. Cherry Pie Lara bars are just not my thing.
Everything else, I like. It seems like being conscious of not eating meat and why I'm not eating meat has made me more conscious in other areas, as well. During the last two days, I haven't been putting artificial sweeteners into my body (this is notable, but it will be even MORE notable if I can keep it up for the entire 30 days...and beyond?).
Also, I stopped at the grocery store today for some veggie burgers to bring to tonight's pool party (everyone else will be eating hot dogs and hamburgers), and I came across three treats I wanted to try: coconut milk ice cream, Namaste baking mix (for brownies or blondies? Who can decide?), and Sunspire chocolate chips. I decided to choose one (after all, I still have a grocery budget to keep) After some contemplation (I take my food seriously, people!), I decided on the chocolate chips because they're more versatile, and they're fair trade. Yes, they're about two times as much as my usual bag of chocolate chips, but I know the people who helped produce them were paid fairly. So I buy fewer treats..I can handle that.
So far, the only thing I have not been pleased with about all of this is is this:
Thumbs down. Cherry Pie Lara bars are just not my thing.
Everything else, I like. It seems like being conscious of not eating meat and why I'm not eating meat has made me more conscious in other areas, as well. During the last two days, I haven't been putting artificial sweeteners into my body (this is notable, but it will be even MORE notable if I can keep it up for the entire 30 days...and beyond?).
Also, I stopped at the grocery store today for some veggie burgers to bring to tonight's pool party (everyone else will be eating hot dogs and hamburgers), and I came across three treats I wanted to try: coconut milk ice cream, Namaste baking mix (for brownies or blondies? Who can decide?), and Sunspire chocolate chips. I decided to choose one (after all, I still have a grocery budget to keep) After some contemplation (I take my food seriously, people!), I decided on the chocolate chips because they're more versatile, and they're fair trade. Yes, they're about two times as much as my usual bag of chocolate chips, but I know the people who helped produce them were paid fairly. So I buy fewer treats..I can handle that.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
30 Days
Okay, here it is.
I've completed my 90-day trial period at work. I've somewhat transitioned into my "new normal." So, naturally, I'm ready for another change.
Vegetarianism. For 30 days.
It's something that has been rolling around in my mind for quite some time. But to be honest, I just did not want to sit down (or get up, drive, or any other action requiring extra effort on my part) to do the research I want to do or to plan meals and matching grocery trips.
I did not feel like I wanted to handle a major job change, corresponding changes at home, changes in my involvement at youth group, AND major changes in my diet.
I wanted convenience, thank you.
But here I am. Posing as a vegetarian for 30 days, in effort to see if this is something I want to sign on to. Mostly because I believe in thinking (and acting) globally, and belief is made evident through actions, not words.
So, here I go!
I've completed my 90-day trial period at work. I've somewhat transitioned into my "new normal." So, naturally, I'm ready for another change.
Vegetarianism. For 30 days.
It's something that has been rolling around in my mind for quite some time. But to be honest, I just did not want to sit down (or get up, drive, or any other action requiring extra effort on my part) to do the research I want to do or to plan meals and matching grocery trips.
I did not feel like I wanted to handle a major job change, corresponding changes at home, changes in my involvement at youth group, AND major changes in my diet.
I wanted convenience, thank you.
But here I am. Posing as a vegetarian for 30 days, in effort to see if this is something I want to sign on to. Mostly because I believe in thinking (and acting) globally, and belief is made evident through actions, not words.
So, here I go!
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