S is for Sarah

Today I decided to hang up my Super Woman clothes. In the back of the closet. You know, because they never quite fit right and were always a little too big for me.

I've tried them on often, thinking that one of these days, my efforts might result in a perfect fit. But they don't. My Super Woman pants are just too baggy and leave me feeling dumpy and inadequate instead of confident and satisfied.

I keep thinking that I need to do "everything." I need to be at every youth group event, I need to have a full time job, I need to go to every family event, every social event, write more cards, have more people over, make more of a difference, say things better, be more thoughtful, be a little healthier, love a little more, manage my time a little better.

Some of those are great goals.

But.

A great man in my life often tells me that my worth doesn't come from what I do. When I was subbing, I struggled with the temptation to make excuses for myself, or to try to impress with the list of things I was working on while "just" subbing. I cringed when asked, "what do you do?" because I was certain my answers would be deemed as not quite good enough, and I had a hard time when no one noticed all the behind-the-scenes work I did.

It is hard to admit all of this because I know it reveals how self-centered I am. But I write it because in revealing it, I am hoping to chip away at a misconception I have held for a long time: that I am worth as much as I do. For the first two years of my marriage, I think I hoped that Tim would be impressed with me if I kept the house clean, cooked yummy meals, and showed up at every event I was asked to attend. Tim told me over and over that he loves me the same whether I do "everything" or sit at home and eat chocolate while watching movies, but I just didn't understand those words until recently.

I can't remember the conversation that ended in tears and a lot of vulnerability, but there was one, and it prompted the beginning of a slow freedom for me. One day, after a particularly frustrating evening, I cried over some of my girls who I have spent a lot of time on, but ended up choosing to essentially cut me out of their lives. It hurt(s) a lot, but I felt better when I realized I would do it again. And then today, I was so sad over the fact that by Wednesday, I am spent and I need time to myself to recharge; Wednesday is our mid-week youth group meeting, and I have been missing it.

But after a few good conversations, I realized that I needed to change into better-fitting clothes. My Super Woman clothes don't fit well; My Sarah clothes do.