Freedom at 5 AM

This morning, I woke up at 5 am to the sound of Macey carving out new passageways in her club house (our box spring). I went to the bathroom, and then, because it is hard for me to follow asleep, I decided to stay up and get a jump on my day. Read a proverb, do the dishes, catch up on my blogs. (5 am may sound ridiculously early, but my actual wake-up time is only an hour later, and I come from a line of early-rising women. I have memories of waking up at the crack of dawn-and even before dawn- to the sounds of my grandmother preparing breakfast and other meals and doing housework. My mother seems to have been following in her footsteps.) Good idea, in theory. However, by the time it was too late to return to bed and catch a little more rest, I realized that I felt exhausted, definitely ready for a nap and not for the day ahead of me. Whoops.

Such is life. On other days, it might have worked. I did read that proverb, and I did catch up on some blogs (although, in my fatigue, I thought it best not to leave any comments, even if leaving comments was the original goal). I did not do the dishes. Poor Tim may be unable to find a clean knife later when he needs one. And although I can already hear you saying, “well, Tim can do the dishes!”, he’s been doing them, and it’s certainly my turn (and was several days ago!).

On other days, I might have laid a guilt-trip on myself about my failed plans, about the wasted time. I know that life is short, and I don’t want to waste time; I want to live out a rich and beautiful story. But it seems that (large and small) mistakes are part of the richness of life. I so often forget that life is a constant untangling of knots, of putting together puzzles, and exploring of corners. This, the idea that I can “start over” at any given moment, that I can be free of guilt trips, that I can stop obsessing with “what could have been,” has been one of the most freeing truths of my life.

I think I am finally beginning to understand grace.