Sarah in Real Life

I've just been "off" lately.
In the beginning, I blamed it on a build-up of hormones (which I experienced due to the birth control I was currently on), which really messed me up mentally and physically.
But because I've been making efforts to correct the hormone problem, I'm realizing that something's off with me.
Previously in life, this sort of realization would set me off in to a tailspin. (Actually, yesterday I did not fare so well, either, but I am blaming that on a variety of factors, like a lack of sleep and lack of decompression time.) But I am beginning to embrace the fact that, as a human being, my role can be likened to that of an instrument. I live my life so that the teenagers I meet can have things like hope, encouragement, a forum for discussion and processing, and a lot of love. I live my life in support of my husband, in efforts to encourage and love the people I meet. That is what I would like to think.
But the truth is, nothing really gets accomplished on my own. I have an entire support system, and I would not be who I am without them. I am an instrument, and I live so that other people can receive beautiful music, which is essentially love.

That is my mission. That is my life.
But lately, I've been getting so caught up in little things. I've been getting caught up in "whatever hits me in the face" (to quote Norm Barker), and I've been missing most of the things that are really important. Relationships. Love. Time.
And I'm lucky enough to have some of those things built in my day, but some of those things I have to pursue actively. I have to visit people and call them to find out how they're doing and really learn who they are.
And I haven't been.

And I agree that part of my recent problem has been hormonal. But part of it is because this ingrained mission to love and encourage and invest time is part of who I am. It's how I was made. And when I veer away from who I am at the core, it just doesn't feel good at all.