A lot Going on: Abridged

Last week, I moved in to the upper level of the house of a friend. Right now, despite the fact that the electricity suddenly shut off and I am roasting just a little, I am pretty pleased with that.

Last week, several months of planning came together when two friends were married at 11 o'clock in the morning on a rainy day. It's said that rain is good luck, and that rain was heavy. I love that kind of weather. Tim officiated, but I didn't get to hear most of what he said; I was in my element, running around, and making sure everything went smoothly. At reception, I really let loose on the dance floor. Despite the fact that I was the wedding coordinator, I was allowed, because I was also a friend. And I think I needed that dancing because when I went out there, I really let loose. I let all the stress and the fatigue and the business of the week out, and it felt really good.

Last week, I started something new. I decided not to weigh myself for 6 months. Weighing in is a trivial matter for a lot of people. But I take it to heart. I let the scale say things that it shouldn't have power to say. After reading a great article called "Why the Scale Lies," several weeks of sleep deprivation, about two months of a lop-sided fitness regimen of cardio, cardio, cardio, I decided it was a time for a (healthy) change. I had previously had a habit of not weighing myself, but I was afraid to go back to it for fear "I might gain weight." This time, I'm aiming for health and not a tiny number. I'm including (a moderate amount of) cardio, strength training, yoga, plenty of water, rather healthy eating (I've already discovered that pizza makes me feel horribly unhealthy, but I "can't go without" a few treats, like chocolate), and I'm aiming for 8 hours of sleep a night. Today is my sixth day, and already I feel fantastic. Healthy, energized, fit. Yesterday, I had planned on hitting the gym. But I realized I really needed a nap much more than I needed a workout, so I slept. It felt really good to make a choice that I new was benefitting my body (and consequently, a fuller life) like that.

Last week, I realized that I will probably end up substitute teaching again. Embracing this is really an exercise in humility for me, but already I have seen how this could really work out for my family (when I say that, I mean Tim and I, but I also mean family as a whole. Friends, relatives, aquaintances.) It allows me to be available at the store, to watch a friend's grandchild who just happens to need childcare very soon, to cook, to keep up the house that everyone else who is living in is way to busy to be able to keep up, to offer my time to those who really need it.
Ah, humility. It is not something I have a good grasp on, but I am learning a lot along the way.

Lessons in Marriage and Life

Tim and I are moving next week.
Actually, we are moving in with our friends (and adopted family) Rob and Cheryl.
I like to take in reactions when a previously uninformed person finds out about our new living arrangements. My favorite so far comes from the beloved Jeannie, and was relayed to me by my husband,"Oh, that is so you guys!"
It is.

Tim and I are free-spirited people. And I'm quite comfortable in that skin. But I do wish I would have been more aquainted with "us" as a couple a year ago. I didn't recognize the free-spiritedness. I didn't embrace it. I loathed explaining our decisions to well-meaning people ("no, I am not working full time this year," "no, we are not looking to buy a house in the near future," "no, we do not want to have kids right away, and when we do, at least one of them will be adopted (hopefully more)," "yes, we are moving in with our friends."
I often felt like I was under scrutiny, and I was uncomfortable with that.
But...I ache for big things, and with big things comes uncomfortable, unwelcome limelight.

This year, I feel as if I've broken in a just-a-bit-too-tight pair of jeans. I'm comfortable and unashamed of who Tim and Sarah: the couple are. We do things that seem strange to people (but I would argue that those things only seem strange because they are not part of the American dream). We love community and people. We don't live by a 40 hour work week. In fact, Tim works much more, and I often do, as well. The paycheck doesn't reflect that, and that is ok. We don't aspire to be financially wealthy. This is the truth- our wealth comes from all the times we were able to love someone. All the times our actions said, "you are infinitely valuable." All the times we were able to help heal wounds. We don't accept money for helping people out, but we will exchange things. We risk a lot and we make a lot of mistakes.

And because of those things, there might be times when we are eating rice and beans at every meal. There will be times when we mess up royally. But beginning with our friendship and then moving into dating, engagement, and marriage, we have embraced the words found in John 10:10. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." Some of that fullness of life seems to be the recognition of the intricacies of who you are, embracing them, and then acting on them.

If I had really embraced what I embrace now a year ago, I wouldn't have let the scrutiny effect me like it did. I wouldn't have let it distract me. I would have been able to impact so many more people if I hadn't wasted so much time thinking I had to justify my actions to people that didn't have a particularly vested interest in me. But another lesson I've learned by now that dwelling on the mistakes I've made (it is a HUGE tendency of mine to dwell and beat myself up!) is just another distraction, often a spiritual distraction, from living life with fullness.

I've discovered that, although I sing about all glory being for God, I sometimes really want the glory for me. I want to be acknowledged and thanked. I want someone to tell me that I'm doing a good job and praise me in public. (Is anyone else thinking about Pharisees right now? I am.) There was a moment last night when I knew I would ordinarily be upset because I couldn't share in the glory, but this time I wasn't upset. And it was wonderful. Fulfilling, even.

I've decided that "be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry" is my current theme verse. There is a lot that could be said here. One of those things is that there were times when I needed to correct my girls while I was a Harvey Cedars this week. And the thing about correction is that it really needs to be done in love. Now, I know that love sometimes means giving out what people need instead of what they want, and I know that love means that sometimes I will not be liked. I am working to learn how to love people like that and not worry about being liked. BUT. There were times when I did not correct in love. I corrected out of annoyance, anger, feelings of injustice. And while my words might have been the same in love or in annoyance, the heart certainly would not have been. And life is found in the heart.

I am not sure how to write this next part. I'm a confessed "ideas girl." I come up with lots of ideas, spread them around, and many of them never come to fruition. But I'm going to risk being cliche and say "things are different this time." This time, my ideas come from what it means to be the church, what it means to love, and what is indicated as important in the Bible. I have spent a lot of time feeling like I was withering at my church. Unfed and mostly unencouraged (which I will quality as different that discouraged in that I am saying that I really did not feel very encouraged. It does seem the two are pretty close in definition). This may happen again, however, it is not enough to point out what is wrong and allow my energy and resources and emotions to be drained and then inadequately replenished. I want to do things that matter, so I need to do things that matter. I need to meet needs.

I have come up with a list of feasible ways to meet needs. I'm encouraged by that. I'm encouraged by the fact that my ideas were considered at my last Women's Ministry meeting. I'm encouraged by the fact that there are at least a few people who have some of the same desires I do. James 1:27 says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." Right now, I am a little fixated on the "orphans and widows" part. I am a little fixated on what I can do to "make a difference." That is another difference this time- I'm more focused on what I can do and not on what I would need a huge collaboration of like-minded people to accomplish. I am not at all against huge collaborations. But I'm not there right now.

And right now, at just before 10:00 pm, I am incredibly sleepy. So this is where I will have to end my written thoughts for the day.

Goodnight:).

Getting to Sleep

One day you will know so many strange facts about me that you will simply want to stop reading my blog in hopes of preserving your own normalcy.

Today's fact: I really have a hard time getting my butt into bed when Tim is not home. It doesn't matter that I'm tired. It doesn't matter that I have to get up early for work tomorrow. It doesn't matter that I've checked off everything on today's to-do list and I am no longer good for anything productive.

The truth is, if he came home NOW, I would get a hug and cuddle for approximately two minutes before I fell hard into dream world.

I'm thinking I have to grow out of this eventually, but it has been 1 1/2 years, and so far, no luck in that department. However, right now, I'm thinking I'll savor it. Because maybe one day, things will be different. Different can mean a lot of things, but I'm thinking that right now I'll savor the feeling that says I am enmeshed in someone else's life and things don't feel complete at this very moment. It reminds me that I am a part of something intricate and even breath-taking.

An Attempt to Break Writer's Block

Sometimes I want to write, but I can't.
It seems my most journalistic moments occur when I am on a walk or alone in the car and far, far away from the possibility of writing anything down.
But, since this blog is kept more for the sake of honesty than journalistic endeavors, I am in luck.

Even though today is not one of my more poetic days, I feel the need to write. Because it is hard to write the first entry upon returning from a trip to Israel. Because the less-poetic days need to be recorded, too. Because if I don't write now, I just might fall out of the habit for far longer than I intended.

On some days, I seem to "wake up on the wrong side of the bed." The truth is, I almost always wake up on the same side, unless Tim has gotten up long enough before me that I've had time to unconsciously arrange my body diagonally across the entire queen-sized bed. But there are days when I am irritated almost upon waking. When I can't be pleased. I feel mean and dissatisfied and like picking a fight.

And it's nothing revolutionary, but my enjoyment in those days is the fact that I get another look at the parts of me that are Jesus and the parts that aren't. Grumpy you-can't-please-me-Sarah isn't Jesus. BUT, just like my husband (and actually on a greater scale), I know that my Savior loves me the same on my most difficult of days. It's freeing.

I'm back from Israel.

I need to be working.
I need to be working on an application for a job I really want, finishing and sending thank you cards for my birthday gifts that I received almost a month ago, sending "we're going to israel" cards, and finishing up a few last-minute details for Stacey's wedding.

But I have this writing itch that needs to be filled because here it is:
I have a hard time with the fact that I am not perfect.
The more that I examine that statement, the more obnoxious I find it. But the truth of it doesn't lessen.

I keep a blog in an attempt to be honest and work toward transparency. I find a lot of value in telling my girls at youth group stories that highlight my mistakes. I don't try to present myself as perfect because no one can stand next to that. I tell my girls that I would rather they be honest and tell me whatever it is they were afraid to tell me, instead of telling me they have it all together, because "I have it all together" is a lie, on some level.

But.
I know that my choices effect people besides myself, and that hits me. Hard. I try to make the best choices I know how to, but decisions are not always one or the other. The "right" decision is not always so obvious like show likes Full House used to make it look. The right decision doesn't always make me feel fantastic after I make it; sometimes, quite frankly, I feel absolutely awful. Sometimes I cry.

I am obnoxiously perfectionist.
What helps is to think that I can choose any moment, including this one, and make good choices now. I can make someone else's day better right now. I can do the best I can right now.

And maybe that is enough.