Thank God for the Ability to Write

I see writing as a gift from God to me. It is my best form of communication, it is how I often sort out my thoughts, it is how I stay organized. I am not a great speaker; I am a processor. Actually, my husband fell in love with me because of the letters I wrote and was initially a little disappointed that I don't speak as well as I write.

Writing is my best tool, and I am grateful, so grateful, that I live in a place that allows me pens, paper, and internet to record my thoughts. Often, when I write, I am calling in my God-given reinforcements and not really trying to bestow any knowledge or wisdom on anyone else. I'm just trying to be honest about who I am and what I'm learning. Donald Miller taught me the value of that kind of practice.

But I don't write enough. Sometimes it is because I have sorted things out through a conversation (with God or with a friend. Or with myself). But often, it is because I struggle with sitting down and taking time to do things that take time. Things that don't look good on a to-do list or a resume. Like reading, writing, cooking (for anyone, really), and taking some time to sit and reflect, do yoga, and thank God. But that's who I am.

One of my quests in life is just to find out who God created me to be, and then just be that person. And I do get frustrated by the fact that it is a process. Lately, I have feeling pretty weighed down, sad, and drained. And lately, I have been pretty busy. I've been trying to find a more permanent and stable job, packing, moving, working. But I haven't been taking enough time to do all of the things I need to do to be the person God made me to be. To be unhurried. To be refreshed and filled up.

That really took its toll.
Just last month, I wrote a similar post, related to what it feels like to veer away from who God created me to be. It seems I really have trouble staying on my own path. I constantly want to run over to someone else's, try it out, ask them if they think mine is pretty enough. I want to take whoever's path is easier and requires less map-reading.
I'm told that I will probably become more self-aware as I age. So it might be true that I will not be blogging about similar issues within a few years.
And I'm ok saying that I don't have it all together and my love is imperfect and I cannot answer all questions.
But. In practice, I am at least a little frustrated that I don't know what God had in mind, inside and out, when He created me. I'm a little frustrated that I don't see the obvious right away. I'm a little frustrated that life is a process, actually. I want to "have it all together" so I can know that I am living life to the fullest, which happens to be a passion of mine. I want to do this living thing well. I want to use my time wisely. I want to know what true love is, and I want to pass it on to others.I want God to be pleased with me, and more than that, I am afraid of disappointing Him.

I think that is really the bottom line. There is no ,"Sarah, this is what I expect from you," except "love God, and love others." And learning to do those things seems to take especially long for me because, as I have recently realized, it is part of my nature to take my time ( I was actually born 2 weeks late after over 24 hours of delivery, I'm a processor in thought and in conversation, I communicate better through writing than I do through speech, I love to cook when I have plenty of time, I prefer not to wear a watch...).
That bothers me.
I think I just want to know that God is pleased with me. And maybe that is what keeps me coming back to know Him better and to know His creations better.
It seems He's pretty clever.