A Little Less of Me, Me, Me, Please

I am feeling especially tired today (after 9 hours of sleep), and my appetite has been unbelievable. There have been many months that I would have used that information to think, "maybe I am pregnant," and then let my thoughts run away with me. I would have brainstormed the baby shower, my new workout routine, the nursery, "Mommy and Me" groups I would attend, and what I would put on the registry. Part of this is because I am a planner and part of it is because I am a dreamer.

When I was younger, I was always moving on to the next big thing as soon as the last was over. I didn't stop to savor very much; I simply paused and said, "that was great," and moved on. I remember this because my mom was always telling me I needed to stop and enjoy and not always say," what's next for me? what can I get excited about?" immediately. I think this was mainly because she wanted a break from carting me from activity to activity, but there was (and is) some truth to what she was saying. There is value to stopping and breathing and enjoying life. And I try to do that now, but it is so easy to slip back into "what's next for me?"

"What's next for me?" sounds a lot like "What about me?" which sounds a lot like "when do I get to be the star of the show?" Truth be told, I play a great supporting role. I like to love people, encourage them, and make their lives better. I don't know if I am always successful in that, but I like to try. Honestly, in this whole "baby fever" thing, I think I've lost a little bit of the supporting role I could have had, because I was so focused on me and I what I wanted (a baby, a well-decorated house). And I don't like that. I don't like how selfish I get sometimes. Like a kid in a toy store laser-beamed focused on the toy she wants with no regard to anyone else in the store. All of that energy spent thinking about me could have been spent on much better things.

When I think about it, I like the idea of playing a supporting role because I think humans were made to work interdependently, but our culture says that we should work independently and mostly look out for ourselves. Going with the idea of interdependence, everyone plays a supporting role, no one is the star, everyone is loved and taken care of. I mean, really, how many people could I have loved if I hadn't been so fixated on the baby I don't have? And how much happier would I have been knowing that I was working together with another human to make life a little better?