A Short Letter and a Heavy Heart

Good morning:).
Have you ever seen Slumdog Millionaire? I saw it last night, and my heart is heavy. I don't want to spoil the movie if you haven't seen it but plan to, but it's some tough stuff. The thing is, I like the movies that depict how life really is BEST. They make me sad, but they are my favorite. Why do some people have to live like that, but we get to live like we do? Boo. My only real response so far has been to write a letter to my Compassion child, Puja, who happens to live in India, and send her a birthday gift. After that, I don't know, but it really brings the idea that I really have to be conscious of loving everyone I encounter throughout the day- no matter their demeanor- because I never know the life they have lived or are living.

Have you heard the phrase, "live simply, so others can simply live"? I believe that is important. But as I get older, it seems easier to settle into suburbia and think less about others and more about myself. Buying a car, buying a house. I don't think those things are wrong, but I do think we should live below our means "so others can simply live."

Freedom at 5 AM

This morning, I woke up at 5 am to the sound of Macey carving out new passageways in her club house (our box spring). I went to the bathroom, and then, because it is hard for me to follow asleep, I decided to stay up and get a jump on my day. Read a proverb, do the dishes, catch up on my blogs. (5 am may sound ridiculously early, but my actual wake-up time is only an hour later, and I come from a line of early-rising women. I have memories of waking up at the crack of dawn-and even before dawn- to the sounds of my grandmother preparing breakfast and other meals and doing housework. My mother seems to have been following in her footsteps.) Good idea, in theory. However, by the time it was too late to return to bed and catch a little more rest, I realized that I felt exhausted, definitely ready for a nap and not for the day ahead of me. Whoops.

Such is life. On other days, it might have worked. I did read that proverb, and I did catch up on some blogs (although, in my fatigue, I thought it best not to leave any comments, even if leaving comments was the original goal). I did not do the dishes. Poor Tim may be unable to find a clean knife later when he needs one. And although I can already hear you saying, “well, Tim can do the dishes!”, he’s been doing them, and it’s certainly my turn (and was several days ago!).

On other days, I might have laid a guilt-trip on myself about my failed plans, about the wasted time. I know that life is short, and I don’t want to waste time; I want to live out a rich and beautiful story. But it seems that (large and small) mistakes are part of the richness of life. I so often forget that life is a constant untangling of knots, of putting together puzzles, and exploring of corners. This, the idea that I can “start over” at any given moment, that I can be free of guilt trips, that I can stop obsessing with “what could have been,” has been one of the most freeing truths of my life.

I think I am finally beginning to understand grace.

Breakfast Muffins

I am a sucker for muffins. My favorite meatloaf recipe is a Cooking Light recipe that calls for cooking the meatloaf mixture (make from turkey!) in a muffin tin. I long for the day that my bananas turn brown enough to turn into (whole wheat) banana chocolate chip muffins, and I usually keep myself supplied with chocolate chip pumpkin muffins during the colder months.

So when Tim suggested making breakfast muffins, I was a little surprised that he didn't think I would go for it, and he was a little surprised that I didn't deem the idea "gross." And then we decided to make them. Right away!

This turned out to be a great idea on many levels:

1. I don't remember the last time we cooked together, with the exception of boiling pasta noodles.

2. I love to cook with Tim! It's said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I think that statement is truer for me than it is for my sweet, laid-back, "I'll eat anything you make" husband.

3. It was fun to see Tim get as excited about making something yummy as I so often get.

4. I love to cook (and eat!) Cooking-Light style. That is, healthy food that doesn't taste too healthy. Breakfast muffins were right up my ally.

5. We had a lot of fun.

6. And the breakfast muffins were DELICIOUS!

Here's how we made them:

1. We sprayed a muffin tin with cooking spray. This is a surefire way to keep our cat off the counters as she always runs away anytime I use that stuff. Which may have something to do with the time I mistakenly sprayed it in her face.

2. Tim sacrificed the turkey ham he'd been using for his lunches, and we scrunched one piece into each muffin compartment to form a cup.

3. I sprinkled 2% sharp cheddar into the bottom of each cup while Tim scrambled a few eggs.

4. Most of the cups got an egg cracked right into it; but 4 were filled with scrambled egg.

5. A little bit of freshlycracked pepper went on top.

6. The muffins were baked at 350 degrees for 15 minutes.

S is for Sarah

Today I decided to hang up my Super Woman clothes. In the back of the closet. You know, because they never quite fit right and were always a little too big for me.

I've tried them on often, thinking that one of these days, my efforts might result in a perfect fit. But they don't. My Super Woman pants are just too baggy and leave me feeling dumpy and inadequate instead of confident and satisfied.

I keep thinking that I need to do "everything." I need to be at every youth group event, I need to have a full time job, I need to go to every family event, every social event, write more cards, have more people over, make more of a difference, say things better, be more thoughtful, be a little healthier, love a little more, manage my time a little better.

Some of those are great goals.

But.

A great man in my life often tells me that my worth doesn't come from what I do. When I was subbing, I struggled with the temptation to make excuses for myself, or to try to impress with the list of things I was working on while "just" subbing. I cringed when asked, "what do you do?" because I was certain my answers would be deemed as not quite good enough, and I had a hard time when no one noticed all the behind-the-scenes work I did.

It is hard to admit all of this because I know it reveals how self-centered I am. But I write it because in revealing it, I am hoping to chip away at a misconception I have held for a long time: that I am worth as much as I do. For the first two years of my marriage, I think I hoped that Tim would be impressed with me if I kept the house clean, cooked yummy meals, and showed up at every event I was asked to attend. Tim told me over and over that he loves me the same whether I do "everything" or sit at home and eat chocolate while watching movies, but I just didn't understand those words until recently.

I can't remember the conversation that ended in tears and a lot of vulnerability, but there was one, and it prompted the beginning of a slow freedom for me. One day, after a particularly frustrating evening, I cried over some of my girls who I have spent a lot of time on, but ended up choosing to essentially cut me out of their lives. It hurt(s) a lot, but I felt better when I realized I would do it again. And then today, I was so sad over the fact that by Wednesday, I am spent and I need time to myself to recharge; Wednesday is our mid-week youth group meeting, and I have been missing it.

But after a few good conversations, I realized that I needed to change into better-fitting clothes. My Super Woman clothes don't fit well; My Sarah clothes do.

Practicing Pidgeon

There is a pose in yoga called "pidgeon." The pose is meant to be uncomfortable; it involves literally sitting in discomfort. Not rutching around, not sitting and counting the seconds (minutes?) until the instructor says it's time to move. Just sitting there. Finding peace there.

During this pose (which I used to dread but am now beginning to enjoy), I often think about a difficult situation that I am currently going through or have gone through. I think about the healthiest thing I can do in those situations, and that is to live in it, in the middle of the tension and the discomfort. I'd like to immediately move to my comfort zone, but it's not the best thing I could do.

So I've learned to live in tension when I'd like to run away.

Not completely learned. I'd still like to run away at the moment. But it's not the healthiest thing I could do.

So I'll sit here. In the middle of tension and discomfort. And find peace.

A Few Unorganized Thoughts About My Life as a Full-time Teacher

Sigh.
Tonight is yoga night. This means I will be up later than usual due to the energy I get from the class.
So. I have been meaning to sit down and document something job-related for a few weeks now, and 9:30 on a Thursday night following yoga seems like a great time to do it.

I love my job.
I'm not head-over-heels in love with it. I don't wake up with a burst of energy, fighting the urge to arrive to work early with donuts and coffee. (Actually, I have been wanting to bake some whole wheat banana chocolate chip muffins. This may get me some strange looks, but several of the women at work are quite open to eating healthier things, and my food choices have already been called "hippie," so.....)
But.
I love that I get to be stability in the lives of people who find very little stability anywhere else. I love that I am learning more about what it means to love. (Oh? Love doesn't mean "accommodate everyone's wishes"? Hm.) The parts of love that I've been working on the most lately are boundaries, compassion, wisdom, and patience.

Boundaries. I don't know if anyone ever grows out of wanting to be taken care of, and many of my students, never being really nurtured seem to crave boundaries more than a lot of people I know. This is hard for me, because I don't like to "lay down the law." I don't like to be firm and demanding, but sometimes it actually serves the students well to take a stance and stick to it.

Compassion. The much less straight-forward aspect of my job. I have students with crazy stories, deep hurts, twisted thinking patterns (when asked to define beauty, my students classified it as something like being conceited), and messy lives. My job is to teach them, but (as told by my boss) it is also to act as a disciplinarian, a mom, and a psychologist. Sometimes I have to talk to my students individually about (mental, physical, emotional) things that are inhibiting their work. I love them, and I think they are beginning to sense that because it seems that they are beginning to trust me more bit by bit.

Wisdom. I'm thinking I need equal measures of compassion AND wisdom for my job. Because as much as I need to be understanding, and even accommodating, I have had students try to pull one over on me MANY times. It seems that the best thing I can do is take my days moment by moment and make the best decisions I can during those moments.

Patience. This is NOT my strong point. There have been many days that I have wondered what I was thinking when I went for this job. That I have wanted to quit, yell, go home and eat (eat, eat!), and take a loooong vacation. But I keep in mind that I am here to help my students, and sometimes I get encouragement. In large amounts. I actually have a really great boss, great co-workers, a great husband, and great, beautiful, flawed, and very individual students. Working with people is hard, but it's the best part.

Look What I Got!

Thanks to Tim's excitement, I've already received a few birthday presents:)!

I've recently discovered that I really do like hummus. I just don't like the processed version. Soooo Tim and I have been talking about experimenting with making our own hummus. And for hummus, tahini is essential. Mmm, I am so excited to experiment with this stuff!

I also received THIS treat.

I tasted it already of course. It tastes just like the name suggests, like butter and coconut. I'm planning to put it in my morning oatmeal, on toasted bread with bananas, AND I found out that ICING can be made out of it! Icing and coconut?! A beautiful combination.

But even better...

Chocolate AND coconut in ONE butter. Mmmm...

This morning, I mixed this, some peanut butter, and a sliced banana into my hot cereal. It was SO good!

Last night, after yoga, I reported to Tim that the class was a good one, and then I asked him if he was ok with the idea of his wife loving yoga and things like coconut butter. He just laughed at me.

We are so different.

And thank God for that!