a few written thoughts before i go on with my day

This is going to be fairly random. Just to warn you. If you are a person who values order and purpose highly, you may not want to read the following cathartic ramblings.

I miss everyone. I don't know if it's just "one of those moods," maybe coming from that fact that I just haven't been sleeping enough. But I just miss everyone. I want to go to Texas to have morning coffee in person with my beautiful friend Sarah. I want to take a long walk with Audrey. I want to give a big hug to my Aunt Anne and her daughters Jenna and Ali. I want to lie in the grass and talk about life with Jeannie, Kristin, Debbie, and Dani. I want to give everyone I know an extra long, extra tight hug.

Sometimes I think that it would be great if my church could hire me as the Youth Pastor's Assistant. Such a move would mean I would get paid for doing what I love and for much of what I already do. I like my job. (I teach for the Pennsylvania state Move Up Program, which helps low-income adults achieve their Geds, get trained in a trade, and then acquire jobs.) It's a good fit for me, but that deep pit in my heart that beats stronger when I feel most alive is not with my job.

It's with my girls. It was so. hard. this year when I can to explain to them over and over, "no, I can't go with you to summer camp." It was harder when they left without me. And logically, I know it turned out well. I know two fabulous counselors who might have missed out on the experience if I had gone were there. And I know it is good for the girls to be able to do their thing without me. It's healthy.

But when I see joy on their faces. When I see tears after they see lies they've been believing (about themselves, about anyone) for what they are. When I see them continually grow into women who make wise decisions and who live their lives with abandon. When I see them asking tough questions. That is what I live for.

And it's with my family. I have a 9-year-old cousin who has one of the most beautiful personalities I have encountered. Her aunt died almost two years ago, and Michelle has things to talk about. When she's so honest about life and her feelings and what's important to her and what isn't. When she asks about my feelings about Aymie and that deep pit in her heart turns on when I say, "Tell me a story about her." That is what I live for.